Deceived: Denial In the Face of Truth

Whether you are in the media, such as Elin Woods, or the unnamed spouse out of public site, yet living with chronic deception, you may ask, “How did I get to this place?” Denial is one reason, not just your partner’s denial but your denial. As partners of alcoholics frequently feel guilty for the behavior of the alcoholic − that if they were better partners, if they could just do the right thing, the alcoholic wouldn’t drink so much − partners of those who are acting out sexually nearly always believe that his behavior is a statement about themselves. They believe they must not be pretty enough, sexy enough, smart enough, thin enough, alluring enough, ample-breasted enough, long-legged enough. The list is never ending.

You probably operate from the belief, “I need to do or be something different and that will make him stop.” First and foremost you need to understand that you are not the cause of his acting out behavior. It isn’t about you being different. He engages in his activity because of his own emotional wounding that now manifests in a pathological relationship with a mood altering behavior which for him is sex.

For years partners of addicts, irrespective of the addiction, have pretended that things are different than how they really are. When the addictive behavior is sex instead of alcohol or drugs, gambling, food, etc., denial for the partner is often accelerated because of the greater degree of shame and implied messages about the person acting out and the coupleship. Partners deny in an attempt to hang on to what is really an illusion, the fantasy that all is really okay. The fact is life is out of control; the addiction is in the driver’s seat. But deny you must when you can’t see your way out. It is a form of self protection.

After hearing time after time that you have quite an imagination, or that you are the one responsible for his unhappiness, or that it’s your job to shut up and be grateful for what you have, or that you simply have trust issues, you learn to keep quiet. You keep fears and doubts to yourself while your self esteem erodes away.

Simply put, denial is dismissing your own intuition. It is blatantly overlooking what is right in front of you. Often there are clear indicators that you have a serious problem but you may choose not to see it. Denial stems from a yearning to believe that all will be fine or that all will return to how it was before this acting out behavior reared its ugly head.

Do not chastise yourself for your denial but learn from it. It is a natural response to hurt and loss. Unfortunately it only perpetuates your situation and your pain in the long run. For your own well being it is critical you recognize the many ways you’ve rationalized. That is a start in stopping this well practiced defense.

Conway Hunter Award

At the SECAD Conference held February 21-24 in Nashville I received the prestigious 2010 Conway Hunter Society Award for service of excellence in the field of addictions. Here I am with Eileene and John McRae of the Conway Hunter Society.
The award is a big, round gold medal and it was so heavy, I had to take it off. I felt like I was at the Olympics!

Children of Addiction

Thirty years ago I began working with children impacted by addiction in the family. Addiction in the family is a legacy that continues to thrive, although today we have a much better understanding of how children are influenced when raised with the chaos and fear that permeate an addictive family. Yesterday I was confronted with issues of children on two fronts. I was working in a treatment facility in their four day family program and had the opportunity to work with some children of clients - a 15 year old, 17 year old and 23 year old. These young adults were aware of how their lives were negatively impacted via their relationships with others, their own use of drugs, and how fear in general was influencing their decisions about many aspects of their lives. Then while sitting in an airport, I received a call from a desperate mother wanting to know what she should do as her husband, in an alcoholic fury, had just hit their preteen age son. These are just four of the estimated 27.8 million children in the U.S. affected by or exposed to a family alcohol problem. This number does not include those affected by or exposed to other drug problems.

These children are at increased risk for a range of problems, including physical illness, emotional disturbances, behavioral problems, lower educational performance and susceptibility to alcoholism or other addictions later in their life.

It doesn’t have to be this way. Through our churches, schools, other community venues, and online social networking sites there is an opportunity to advocate for these vulnerable children who are not in a position to advocate for themselves.

Children living with addiction in their family, be it an addicted parent, sibling or other relative, need to know that the addiction and the resulting behavior is not their fault. They need to hear the message that they did not cause it nor can they control it. They need to hear they are not alone. Most importantly they need to hear there are people they can talk to, adults in their school, their church or synagogue, a friend’s parent, an extended family member, etc. As concerned family and community members and helping professionals we need to recognize the role we can play in these children’s lives.

Now is the time to be willing to rise to the occasion. Sunday February 14th through Saturday February 20th is Children of Alcoholics Week 2010, a week dedicated to bringing awareness to the needs of these children. NACoA, the National Association for Children of Alcoholics has a wealth of free information about children, and even more so about resources and ways for you to become involved this week and in the future. ACO week can be about you educating and creating greater numbers of people who reach out and let children know they are available to them and they will understand.

It is my hope we all recognize that we are in a position to impact these children not just this one week but for 365 days a year.

Christmas Message 1944

A part of my year end ritual is going through the stacks of paper on my very large desk. I would like to say it is paper that accumulates throughout the year, but in some cases certain papers just seem to stay there for a few years. They are like sacred jewels I am afraid to part with and I found something I thought you might find fun to read. It was a 1944 Christmas message from Bill W., one of the two cofounder’s of Alcoholics Anonymous.



To all AA members
Greetings on our 10th Christmas, 1944. Yes, its' in the air! The spirit of Christmas once more warms this poor distraught world. Over the whole globe millions are looking forward to that one day when strife can be forgotten, when it will be remembered that all human beings, even the least, are loved by God, when men will hope for the coming of the Prince of Peace as they never hoped before. But there is another world which is not poor. Neither is it distraught. It is the world of Alcoholics Anonymous, where thousands dwell happily and secure. Secure because each of us, in his own way, knows a greater power who is love, who is just, and who can be trusted. Nor can men and women of AA ever forget that only through suffering did they find enough humility to enter the portals of that New World. How privileged we are to understand so well the divine paradox that strength rises from weakness, that humiliation goes before resurrection; that pain is not only the price but the very touchstone of spiritual rebirth. Knowing its full worth and purpose, we can no longer fear adversity, we have found prosperity where there was poverty; peace and joy have sprung out of the very midst of chaos. Great indeed our blessings! And so Merry Christmas to you all - from the Trustees, from Bobbie and from Lois and me.
Bill Wilson


As the holiday season approaches, I encourage you to practice self-care. This means knowing your limitations, such as setting appropriate limits and boundaries regarding the amount of time, topic of conversations, or places of gatherings with family. It means knowing and acting on your triggers ─ where you shouldn’t be and what you shouldn’t be doing. It means asking for help whether or not you think you need it. This is a time not just for giving but also graciously receiving. Keep realistic expectations and let go of the shoulds. If you participate in a Twelve Step program, keep up your meetings and telephone contacts. Do something physical. Physical movement relieves tension and promotes a feeling of well being. And make some quiet time for yourself and let yourself just be in the moment.

Deceived

The Good Wife, starring Julianna Margulies and Chris Noth has captured the attention of many TV viewers due to both the talent of the actors as well as the content. The writers have captured many of the subtle nuances experienced by both the person who acts out and the partner. Having worked with individuals and couples impacted by sexual duplicity, and writing Deceived specifically for partners, I’ve been following this show closely.

Today in every neighborhood throughout every community, people are being challenged by the addictive nature of their partner’s sexual behavior. For Alicia on The Good Wife, her husband’s sexual acting out was made public through the media. While they had been married several years she had not suspected his behavior. For others, it may be the young bride who just discovered her husband was with another woman within days of their wedding. It could be the mother of two young children whose boyfriend has just lost his job due to engaging in Internet sex during work hours, or the partner who has masked her shame and confusion about her husband’s chronic pornographic activity, and is now horrified at the thought that her children are going to find out. It may be the man who recently discovered hidden computer files of sexually explicit photos his girlfriend has been emailing to a great number of men. It could be the wife of 40 years, husband soon to retire, who has known about his affairs from the beginning of their marriage; there’s nothing particularly different about the current affair that she just discovered; it’s just the ‘straw that breaks the camel’s back.’

Influenced by both culture and family, my professional experience tells me that coaddictive behavior was well learned long before their partner came into their life. As much as the socialization and empowerment of women in Western industrialized culture has changed, women are still more apt to defer to men by giving them the benefit of the doubt; take on false guilt, believe they need a man to be okay, prioritize his needs over their own, acquiesce, be polite, refrain from showing anger, feel inadequate about their sexuality, and have a distorted and shame based body image

Yet this socialization of women, by itself, is not the strongest factor in their coupling with a sex addict. For both men and women far more influential is their family history. Whether or not the writers of the Good Wife get to this depth, looking at family history and dynamics will be significant in the healing process for those in the real world. It’s critical to examine the beliefs developed about themselves and others, the ways learned to experience connection and/or protect self, and the behaviors that helped to garner esteem.

The behaviors and belief systems of both partners and those who act out sexually in repetitive ways are strongly influenced by individual childhood experiences. It is common that one or both parents were addicts themselves, alcoholics or sex addicts in particular. It may not have been called addiction, but they often say their father was a womanizer, or their mother had lots of affairs, drank a lot, etc. There may have been a history of extreme parental rigidity, strict all-or-nothing parental codes. Messages about sex were shaming or distorted, creating confusion as a child.

Trauma Repetition
Kate was raised in an alcoholic and violent family. She is divorced from two different alcoholic men, and is now married to an active sex addict. Her husband has had multiple relationships with other women and now he is flagrantly acting out in a manner that she cannot totally deny. She knows he visits pornographic bookstores, but on a recent visit he had their four year old son with him. Yet she still had the ability to rationalize. He is stressed by our two young children. He wouldn’t do this if he wasn’t on drugs. She would deliberately not ask questions. If she didn’t ask, then it was as if she wouldn’t have to know. She wouldn’t ask for help, because as she said − I just need him to stop. She wouldn’t assert any limits because her fear is he would leave her. In ultimate desperation she found herself left alone in a hotel room with a baby just a few weeks old and a four-year-old, no car, no food and no money while he went to get more drugs and meet up with a girlfriend; and she just wanted him back.

Kate didn’t get to this place overnight. Her childhood history was her training ground long before she entered any of her three addictive relationships. Dysfunction ruled her original family. As a child, she learned to:

• Overlook (deny, rationalize, minimize) behavior which hurt her deeply
• Appear cheerful when she was hurting
• Make excuses for the hurtful behavior
• Avoid conflict to minimize further anger
• Tolerate inappropriate and hurtful behavior
• Prioritize the needs of others over her own
• Caretake others
• Fault herself for her family’s problems
• Discount her own perceptions, give others the benefit of the doubt
• Believe she had no options available
• Believe she is at fault, it is her job to find the answers
• Not ask for help
• Accommodate

She was reared to be the perfect candidate for partnering with an addict, one whose codependent traits enable him to act out his behavior with little disruption.

While the names change, the stories of repetitively partnering with an addict are common and span generations. What Kate and other coaddicts experience is referred to as trauma repetition. Trauma repetition means you create behaviors and situations similar to those you experienced earlier in life. You are reliving a story out of your painful history. Replaying your past trauma is often repeating what you know, the familiar.

I've joined the Central Recovery Treatment team

I am extremely pleased to announce that I have begun a new chapter in my professional life with Las Vegas Recovery Center, (LVRC) a subsidiary of Central Recovery, as their Senior Clinical and Family Services Advisor. LVRC is a private, free-standing chemical dependency and chronic pain facility established in 2003. I encourage you to look at their website. The center specializes in providing services for those suffering from chronic pain and abuse/dependence on drugs. It addresses this complex situation with a comprehensive opioid-free rehab program. The team at LVRC is both professional and passionate in their work. All of their programs are individually tailored to the needs of each client.

I’ve also taken a position as Senior Editorial Advisor for Central Recovery Press (CRP). This is a young, progressive publishing house addressing issues of addiction and recovery. As my relationship develops I’ll share more with you as to what this entails for me. As my first contribution, I wrote the foreword for a kid’s book. CRP already has two books for children who have a parent in treatment. Examples of other books would be Recovery A to Z: A Handbook of Twelve-Step Key Terms and Phrases, and one of their most recent, Pain Recovery: How to Find Balance and Reduce Suffering for Chronic Pain that speaks to a substance-free way to live with chronic pain and minimize suffering.

Responding to questions about Elizabeth Edwards

Elizabeth Edwards...

Is she a victim?
She has been hurt, betrayed, and deceived. In that light she has been victimized, but she does not have to stay in that position. When she trusts her own intuition and is willing to believe her own instincts, versus the words of her husband, she moves out of the victim position.

Why does she stay in the marriage?
As she says, it is complicated. It's so easy for outsiders to say, leave. Her children, shared history, religious beliefs and certainly her illness influence her decision to stay. Her staying may also be the decision she has made for now and could change depending on her health and his behavior. Women more often stay in light of infidelity; men are more apt to leave. A woman's identity is more connected to having this relationship.

Was it wise for them to talk openly with their children?
It was the only prudent decision they could make because of the public disclosure. They offered what is referred to as a shared disclosure, sharing that the marriage was in difficulty, there was an infidelity and they were working together to work things out. Children need reinforcement that their lives are stable.

How could she go on the road with him after the public exposure?
She was still in shock and there are so many decisions after a surprise and public disclosure that at the time she was most likely trying to keep her family life as stable as possible.
Was it healthy for her to do that? No not necessarily, but human.

Would it be helpful for her to know the paternity of the other woman’s child?
To not know helps her stay in denial about the seriousness of the problem.

She acts like he has this problem to deal with, can she just forget this?
That would be cheap forgiveness, forsaking her own integrity and self-respect to just forget this. The public is not aware of her true thoughts about her cancer, and it is possible all of her energy is more focused on attending to her cancer and her children.