Addictive Families Part 3: Don’t Talk

The Family Law: DON’T TALK ABOUT THE REAL ISSUES. The real issues: Mom is drinking again. Dad didn’t come home last night. I had to walk home from school because Mom had passed out at home and forgot to come and get me. Dad was loaded at the ball game. In the earlier stages of addiction, when someone’s drinking or using seems to become a more noticeable problem, family members usually attempt to rationalize the behavior. They begin to invent excuses. As the drinking or using increases, the rationalizations become their normal way of life. Family members focus on the problems but do not connect them to the addiction. An excuse offered to a child I had been working with for her dad’s irrational behavior was that he had a brain tumor and was going to die. The mother told the children their father wanted them to hate him before he died so it would be easier for them to accept his death when it happened. This client explains, “It didn’t feel right, but who was I to question my mom? She had enough problems as it was.” Sandy said she knew her father wasn’t alcoholic because, “My dad loved me.” She didn’t understand that addicted people are also capable of loving others. Sandy had heard about alcoholism only once at church where a recovering addict told his story. But what she heard was that particular person’s story. She could not relate this story as her father didn’t sound, look, or behave like this man. Such fragmented information is typical of children’s lack of knowledge concerning substance abuse. Fear and control often fuel the Don’t Talk rule. Skip described his father as abstinent but without recovery. He controlled himself by not drinking and controlled his family with silence. “My dad didn’t talk to me at all and my mother wouldn’t acknowledge that there was anything wrong. My life was filled with this engulfing terribleness and I thought it was me. I wanted my father to tell me there was something wrong. I wanted him to tell me it was his fault. I wanted to hear it was not my fault. Later, as I got older, I needed him to tell me he was proud of me. I didn’t get any of those things. I only got his silent rage.” Many adult children simply learned that things went much easier when they did nothing to “rock the boat.” Andrew said, “Dinner was pretty quiet. Anything we said rocked the boat. And then, if we were too quiet, that rocked the boat!” These children not only don’t talk about boat rocking issues, but they don’t talk about, or share, their fears, worries, or hurts with anyone. In many families, the rule of silence is a quiet collusion. Children will share the same bedroom with a sibling for years, both hearing the arguing taking place between mom and dad. Or, they hear mom crying night after night. But they only hear. They never speak to one another about it, although they may each cry — silently and alone. Many children believe they are betraying their parents and their family if they talk honestly. Children feel very loyal to their parents and, invariably, end up defending them, rationalizing that it isn’t really all that bad and continuing in what has now become a denial process. It is as if they are wearing a pair of eyeglasses with clouded lenses from which to view the world. Perceptions are altered, their reality distorted. They continue to discount and minimize; they learn to tolerate inappropriate behavior. They learn to live in denial.

Addictive Families Part 2: Family Rules

Thousands of children like Michael are being, or have been, raised in homes where at least one parent is addicted to alcohol or other drugs. And like Michael, these children appear to suffer no apparent ill effects. These young people usually do not leave home prematurely. They are typical in that, like most children, they leave home at the ages of seventeen, eighteen or nineteen. When they do venture out on their own, they face the task of making decisions about work, careers, lifestyles, friends, where and with whom they are going to live. They also make decisions about committed relationships and whether or not to have children.

These children, along with thousands of other young people, are beginning to make some of the most important decisions of their lives and then spend years implementing those choices. Typically, it will take the next six to eight years to implement and follow through with these career and family decisions. During this time, young adults focus on external events. It is not normally a time when they sit back and contemplate how good or poor the past years were for them. If they recognize they grew up with addiction, they breathe a sigh of relief and pat themselves on the back for having survived. They then begin going about their own lives, yet they frequently stay socially and emotionally entangled with their family.

It is about this time, when a young person reaches the mid-twenties that the effects of growing up in an addictive home become apparent. These now adult children begin to experience a sense of loneliness, that doesn’t make sense to them. They become aware of feelings, that separate them from others and often may find themselves depressed. And while this depression occurs more frequently and lasts longer, the source of the depression seems unidentifiable. Feelings of fear and anxiousness occur more frequently but they don’t know why they are having these feelings. They often feel empty and have difficulty maintaining close relationships. Many report that something seems to be missing in their relationships. A lack of meaningfulness begins to permeate every aspect of their lives. For many the repetition of the addiction has begun. Their drinking and using has become an important part of their life, or they are engaging in other behaviors in an addictive compulsive style, such as work, spending and gambling, disordered relationships with food, etc. Or they find themselves in relationships with others who are engaging in addictive behaviors. Should any of this be occurring, their ability to rationalize, deny, to tolerate inappropriate behavior coupled with low self-esteem blocks the ability to both see and respond in a healthy manner.

To break this cycle it is necessary to recognize the many processes that have occurred. For the next few weeks I will discuss the basis of children learning how not to talk honestly, how to minimize their feelings often to the point of denial, and the basis of not trusting others.

Addictive Families: The Rules

This is the beginning of a 4 part series. It begins with a poignant story of a young boy who is learning how not to openly talk about what is happening in his life that is so painful, how to shut down his feelings and how not to trust others. He is learning the dysfunctional rules – Don’t Talk, Don’t Trust, Don’t Feel.

The Best Little Boy in the World (He Won’t Tell) — Peter M. Nardi

Michael was doing very well in school. In fact, he was the brightest kid in class, the teacher’s favorite, one of the best behaved. He never created any disciplinary problems and always hung out with the good crowd. The best little boy in the world. “Why can’t we all be like Michael and sit quietly?” Sister Gertrude would say in her most melodious voice. Conform, be docile, do well, and be quiet. Hold it in. Don’t tell a soul.

And now he was waiting at the school corner for his mother to pick him up. This was always the hardest moment. What will she look like, how will she sound? Michael could tell right away if she had been drinking. The muffled voice, the pale, unmade-up face. He really didn’t know what it was all about. He just knew that when Dad came home he would fight with her. Argue, yell, scream, and run. Michael could hear them through the closed doors and over the humming of the air conditioner. He wondered if the neighbors could hear, too. Hold it in. Don’t tell anyone.

He was still waiting at the corner. She was fifteen minutes late. It was so good to go to school and get out of the house. But when three o’clock came he would feel the tension begin to gather inside him. He never knew what to expect. When she was not drinking, she would be smiling, even pretty. When drunk, she’d be cold, withdrawn, tired, unloving, and not caring. Michael would cook dinner and straighten up the house. He would search for the alcohol, like egg hunting on Easter morning, under the stuffed chair in the bedroom, in the laundry bag concealed among the towels, behind her hats in the closet. When he found it, he’d pour it down the sink drain. Maybe then no one would know that she’d been drinking. Maybe no one would fight. Don’t tell a soul.

She still hadn’t come to pick him up yet. She’d never been thirty minutes late. Sometimes she’d sleep late in the morning after Dad had already left for work, and Michael would make breakfast for his little sister and himself. Then a friend’s mother would take them to school. The biggest problem was during vacation time, especially around the holidays. He wanted to play with his friends. But he was afraid to bring them home. He was afraid to go out and play, too, because then she would drink. Michael didn’t want to be blamed for that. So he stayed in and did his homework and read. He didn’t tell his friends. Hold it in.

And still he was waiting alone on the corner. Forty-five minutes late. Michael decided to walk the ten blocks home. He felt that he was old enough now. After all, he took care of his little sister a lot. He took care of his mother a lot. He was responsible. He always did what people told him to do. Everyone could count on him for help. Everyone did. And he never complained. Never fought, never argued, never yelled. The best little boy in the world. Hold it in.

When he got nearer to home Michael’s heart felt as if it were going to explode. Her car was there. The house was locked tight. He rang the bell. He rang and rang as he felt his stomach turn inside out. He climbed through a window. No one seemed to be home. He looked around the house, in all the right hiding places. Finally, in the closet in his own bedroom, he saw his mom in her slip, with a belt around her neck and attached to the wooden rod. She was just sitting there, sobbing. She had been drinking. But maybe no one would find out. Michael wouldn’t tell anyone, ever. Hold it in.

Excerpted from It Will Never Happen to Me

Intimate Treason

I recently returned from an addiction symposium in Cape Cod, Sept. 6-9, 2012, where Intimate Treason was debuted. As people saw the book, many approached me and wanted to share their stories of not knowing what recovery could look like for them other than waiting for their partner to find his or her recovery. And in the cases where the relationship ended they didn’t feel that somehow there was a direction other than trying to be able to identify the behavior in another partner more quickly. So to have a book that was totally about their healing irrespective of what a partner does was extremely welcomed.

A strong response by many was that they heard the trauma of their experience validated. They experience what trauma experts call Little T traumas… what I have previously called emotional abandonment in the context of relationships. To be in a relationship with your perceptions invalidated, compared to others, being intimated that who you are is not good enough, your feelings not listened to, and honesty and respect thrown out the window are just some of the many ways that partners are traumatized. Many quickly said they identified with symptoms characteristic of PTSD and yet felt guilty because, after all, as painful as their situation was, it was only a “relationship problem compared to something horrific such as an act of war.” Partners experience Intrusion: your mind can’t stop thinking about the problem. This can occur in the form of intrusive images, nightmares, or flashbacks; Avoidance: numbing, feeling detached; Arousal: feeling on guard; Easily startled and triggered by situations that remind them of the crisis; Lower functioning: not able to perform at usual level with work, relationships, or other major areas of life.

They identified with the typical symptoms found with those having PTSD: • Betrayal of trust: Fear of trusting the addict and self. • Psychic and physical pain and anguish: Range of emotions that at times feel out of control. Increased headaches, back, and neck aches, stomach problems. • Hypervigilance: Fear that the other shoe is going to drop. • Preoccupation: Obsessing about the addiction and worrying about whether to stay or leave the relationship. • Loss of safety and security: Sexual, financial, and emotional fears grow and/or increase.

So while Cara Tripodi (co-author) and I realize not all partners identify as strongly with the trauma responses as others, to know we have nonetheless brought a validation and a framework for those that do is affirming.

Camp Mariposa

I had a wonderful experience the last weekend in September when I attended Camp Mariposa here in Washington State. This is a camp for children affected by addiction in the family. This particular one was for younger kids age 9 – 12. A few years ago I was approached by Karen and Jamie Moyer (professional baseball player) as they have a foundation whose mission is focused on children in need. The outcome is that through the Bellevue based agency Youth Eastside Services (YES) they offer 6 camps a year for kids 9 – 17 years of age. The camp includes an outdoor challenge and ropes course as well as singing and s-mores! I had to laugh as one of the songs was a song I use to sing when I went bar hopping as a child with my father. (He went to the bar - I was just waited in the car for hours, but we sang between bars.) These kids tend to not come from homes with recovery, and many have needed alternative living situations. As one young boy said to me, ‘Most of us have been raised by girls.’ He meant single mothers, aunts, grandmothers, or other females. There were few family heroes, mostly they identified as lost children and family mascots. Andrea Frost from YES leads the weekends and has a staff of twelve with her for the twenty four kids. That in itself was incredible. I loved watching the tools they used to calm and refocus 24 very active kids. They actually had them knitting—and yes the boys loved it. They would do a yoga pose, and then shake out their stress, learning about letting go. I enjoyed the creativity of how they worked with kids, using analogies of trees or animals, talking about feelings, family roles, and self care. Of course when the kids acted out family scripts you realized just how much they’ve seen and internalized. It was a lot of fun for them to be on stage, to be seen and heard and to own so much of the reality of their lives. Throughout the weekend, the focus was on taking some of these new skills into their daily lives, knowing that the kids were still in some very difficult situations. To see them have so much fun while learning to trust, learn skills of self care, talk honestly…. well you get the picture. It was touching and inspiring to see these kids have such a good time in a traditional camp setting. For the staff at YES it was a weekend of great compassion, skill and commitment beyond the normal work expectation and as is often true, Karen Moyer was in attendance, actively participating. The Moyer Foundation will soon be implementing Camp Mariposa in Indiana and Florida. To learn more about Camp Mariposa and Camp Erin, a bereavement camp for children, visit the Moyer Foundation.

Women and Addiction: From Betty Ford to Amy Winehouse

In 1978, a year after she left the White House and at the time of her 60th birthday, the wife of President Gerald Ford, Betty Ford, found that her drinking and use of prescription pain medications had drastically increased. Soon after that she was the recipient of a newly recognized therapeutic process called ‘intervention.’ Her family united from a position of love to confront her about her drinking and drug use and insist she seek treatment. After an initially angry response, she admitted herself to the Long Beach Naval Hospital’s drug and alcohol rehabilitation program. There the former First Lady found herself not only having to share a room with other women, but perform humble tasks like cleaning restrooms and participating in emotionally revelatory therapy sessions with five other women patients there at the same time. Rather than seek to obfuscate the true reasons for her hospitalization or to treat it with shame, Betty Ford decided to fully disclose the details of her addiction and treatment.

Feeling passionate about the possibilities of recovery, she opened the Betty Ford Center in Palm Springs, California. The center was dedicated on October 3, 1982 and today offers gender specific treatment to women. This was not available to women just a few years previously. Betty told her story in the book A Glad Awakening, Doubleday 1987, and was a true pioneer in advocating for women and the possibility of recovery.

Today we know that:

• Female substance abusers metabolize alcohol less efficiently than men, a difference that leads to higher blood alcohol concentrations over a shorter period of time.


• Pound for pound women get drunk or high faster than men as each drink hits a woman like a double. The female body contains less water and more fatty tissue which increases alcohol absorption. Women have a lower activity level of an enzyme called alcohol dehydrogenase which breaks down alcohol.


• Women move through the progression more quickly having a more rapid development of dependence.


• Women experience adverse physiological effects of alcohol on the liver, cardiovascular and gastrointestinal systems more quickly than men. This is called telescoping.


• Women become addicted to narcotics faster than men.


• Women are more likely than males to be hospitalized due to non-medical use of prescription and over the counter medications.


• Women are less likely to ask for and/or receive help.


• Women are more apt to die at younger ages than men who are addicted.
  
  

Addiction is a terminal illness; people literally die from it, be it from overdoses, toxicity, or accidents. But prior to the physical death is the emotional death, the relational deaths, the spiritual deaths. Yet I know of no other terminal illness more treatable than addiction.

Betty Ford’s life was celebrated just a few weeks ago as she was laid to rest at the age of 92. Her recovery is a major legacy that will continue to impact both women and men.

Yet it is with great sadness that the public is quickly confronted with the fact that many who are addicted will die before they can embrace recovery as we just saw with Amy Winehouse, the well known English singer/songwriter dead at only 27. As I write this, others less publicly known, are also dying daily of this horrific disease of addiction.

Don’t stay silent – let those you know who are in trouble that while you love them you cannot condone, or in any way support their addictive behavior. You will support them in recovery but not in their disease.

Your Life's Baggage: What are you carrying?

Think of your life journey as a trip. When people take a trip they think of where they are going, how they are going to get there and what it is they are going to take with them.

I want you to think about the baggage you take with you on your life journey. The baggage I am talking about carries 1) beliefs about yourself, others, and the world, 2) feelings you value and/or the feelings you experienced that you have held onto because it wasn’t safe to express them and 3) the skills you developed that help you to live with others and to achieve your goals.

Think about what it is you are carrying and whether or not you need to consider repacking your bags.

What I am asking you to do is look at the bags you travel with. Unpack them and look inside.
What are you carrying? How long have you been carrying them? Who packed the bags? Do these bags still serve their purpose?

To begin this process, think about the exterior, the shell of your bags. If you were to describe them, what would they look like?
Perhaps your bags are of brown paper that easily tears or disintegrates in the rain. Maybe they are sturdy hardback bags or soft medium size bags. They could be as small as a purse or as large as a trunk. That which shows itself to the world, the shell, is just that, an exterior. That exterior represents your defenses, built to protect, hide and contain beliefs, feelings and skills.

What best describes the exterior of your baggage?
Knapsack - Trunk - Overnight Bag - Hardcover - Paper
Softcover - Tattered - Colorful - Faded - With wheels

How else would you describe your bags exterior?
Metaphorically, what does that mean to you?
How might you want to change the exterior of your bags?
What would that change reflect?

This is an important start to letting go of what may be sabotaging your health and happiness.

Now go inside your bags and take a look at the beliefs, feelings, and skills you may be carrying. These are beliefs about yourself, others and the world, and feelings you’ve experienced and have held onto either because you value them or because it wasn’t safe to express them. Lastly, you can identify skills you’ve developed that help you to live with others and to achieve your goals.

Cognitive Baggage
Let’s look at the bags that carry your beliefs about you and the world.
Are you carrying beliefs that say:

• I am strong, capable.


• I can ask for help if I need it.


• People are trustworthy.


• I am trustworthy.


• It is okay to take risks.


• I deserve respect


• I deserve to be happy


• The world has many wonderful things to offer.
  

Or are you carrying beliefs that say:

• I can’t trust other people - they will take advantage of me.


• No one will listen to me.


• Take what I need.


• The world is scary.


• It’s not okay to make a mistake, something bad will happen.


• Good things only happen to others.


• I don’t expect much from me.


• I’m inadequate, insufficient. I can’t do anything right.


• I need someone to take care of me.


• If I show people who I am, they won’t like me.


• The world owes me, I am entitled.
  

In addition to any of those you identified from above, what other beliefs might you be carrying?

Emotional Baggage

• What are the feelings you carry with you?


• Do you carry memories of laughter, happy times, feelings of pride?


• Do you feel loved? Loving?


• Do you have so much fear in your life that you have one whole bag designated just for fear?


• How much anger, or how many resentments are you carrying?


• Do you have a bag of loneliness?


• How large is your bag of hopelessness, disappointments, sadness, or guilt?


• Are there other feelings you are carrying?
  

And a very important question to ask yourself is, ‘do you find yourself carrying other people’s bags as well?’ Are you carrying your mother or father’s fears, their guilt, their shame? Do you take on your daughter or son’s disappointments or angers?

What often goes unrecognized is that in your luggage, you are carrying a tool bag, a bag of skills. Some people have a large bag of tools filled with variety and abilities, while others may have but one tool, or different versions of the same tool, and are limited in skills.

Do you have a variety of tools or a limited number and type of skills?
Identify the tools you are carrying:

• ability to ask for what you need


• ability to listen


• problem solving skills


• ability to see choices available


• negotiation skills


• healthy expression of feelings


• ability to set limits


• clarity around what is important


• ability to make decisions


• self care skills, eating adequately, basic hygiene skills, appropriate clothing, proper rest, exercise
  
  

In addition to those you identified from above, what are other tools you have in your bags?

As you review the beliefs, feelings and tools you carry, think about what you want to continue to carry with you, what you want to let go of, and what you want to add to your baggage.

Now let's look at how carrying painful feelings, negative beliefs and few tools, or just one kind of tool, you often end up needing a cart for your bags.


While it is not true for everyone, the more you come from a history of childhood trauma and loss, fueling unresolved painful feelings, limited skills and negative beliefs, the more likely it is that your bags will continue to grow as you move through adulthood.

New bags may come as a result of divorce, being passed over for a promotion at work, being arrested, a financial setback, inability to stop smoking, and/or the pain that comes with compulsions or addiction. The negative beliefs you have only become heavier and your feelings become overwhelming as your tools are less and less effective. This is a process that takes time and you probably don’t even realize it is happening.

You develop a tolerance for emotional pain and are able to maintain that for a period of time and then, through no fault of your own, your tolerance lessens and you feel an unbearable heaviness. You need help to carry your baggage, so you seek out a baggage cart of some sort to help you continue to carry everything.

These carts are often addiction related. It could be you’ve dumped all your beliefs, feelings and skills into a bottle, a pill, or a syringe. Or perhaps you’ve a gambling addiction, sexual or spending addiction; or an eating disorder and you’ve put your bags into a vat of chocolate, sugars or starches. It could be your cart is depression or anxiety where all of your feelings have accumulated into despair and hopelessness.

These carts do make things seem better for a while. You don’t seem to feel the weight as you once did. But if you think about it, a cart just allows you to pile on more and more baggage. The load gets heavier and heavier and eventually you need a bigger and bigger cart!

Do you think you are using a cart?
If you are, you need to address the cart as this is the first step in letting go of excess baggage.

You’ve had a chance to identify your beliefs, feelings, and tools; to look at whether or not you have a cart, and now you can begin to look at what you want to carry with you on your life journey.

The fear of feelings may have you immobilized and pushing around an out of control cart. It is the accumulation of feelings that leads to trouble. There are safe people and places in which to explore feelings. Nothing bad has to happen as you learn healthy ways in which to express feelings.

What feelings would you prefer to be carrying with you?

To be able to let go of unneeded, unwanted baggage, it’s necessary to challenge the beliefs you operate from.

• Are your beliefs hurtful or helpful?


• Do they support the way you want to live?


• What are new beliefs that would be of greater support to you?


• What tools are you carrying that are useful to keep?


• Do you need to acquire some new tools you have never had before?
  

Remember to periodically stop and take a look at what you are carrying. As you take on more responsibility for your emotional self, as you develop more positive beliefs, it is easier to recognize the skills you have acquired along the way, and/or to go in search of a greater variety of skills.