The struggle for so many recovering adults is how to interact with members of their childhood family — their parents and siblings. Cultural and family values influence the messages and feelings you received regarding family loyalty and commitment. Typically, you want to stay connected with your family. But, how do you re-enter the arena of family relationships and be true to who you are and what you believe? Your efforts may be tentative at first; you will have to learn somewhat from trial and error. Everyone's situation is unique and every individual will need to sort through these issues in a way that is comfortable to them.
It is common to hear adults express loneliness and sadness that their recovery has further alienated them from various members of the family. When a family has not developed healthy alliances, communication patterns, etc., one family member's recovery is often confusing for the non-recovering members.
Being with family members may mean having more superficial interactions — sharing the daily routine without intimacy, recreational interactions, carrying on family rituals. Traditional occasions may be one way to maintain connection to ones you love. Even superficial contact provides connection. Your choice (remember, you do have choices here) may be to choose this level of involvement over no involvement at all. Limited involvement in connection is okay.
It is helpful to know why you are engaging with family. Do you feel a sense of loyalty, duty, enjoyment, or love? People differ as to their history and values, which impact decisions about being loyal and dutiful. In spite of family pain, many people still feel love, and many people have found ways to enjoy certain family members. Or, are you still unconsciously seeking validation or approval?
It doesn't seem to matter how old we are, we all want to know that we are valued by our parents. When we don’t receive validation in our growing up years, it often becomes an even more urgent, yet usually denied, need. Unfortunately, validation and approval are not as apt to be offered by sick or unhealthy parents. They are often no more capable of offering that to us today than they were when we were children. In fact, it is more likely they are now seeking that from us. So know your expectations. And ask yourself if your expectations are realistic. Are they based on hope from seeing behavioral changes, or is it possibly a fantasy?
The holiday season is approaching and this is a time for recognizing your choices about how you spend time with family.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Present Day Relationships
By creating healthier beliefs and developing new skills, you will create new ways of relating to family members with whom you were raised, and others you meet in your life — friends, co-workers, partners, husbands, wives, and children. You have choices about who you invite into your life and how you interact. Yet, you may still be confused about what creates a healthy relationship. One of the most important concepts in creating healthy relationships is to understand that relationships have different levels and purposes.
Some people are only in our lives, or we are only in theirs, to provide a practical service. For example, the bus driver's role is to see we are driven safely to a destination. The barber's role is to provide a satisfactory haircut. A co-worker's role is to develop a relationship that allows the goals of the workplace to be met. The intimacy we develop with friends and partners offers a greater sense of meaning, purpose and connectedness than our more casual and superficial relationships. I do not want to discount that we develop caring feelings toward those who work with us or provide services, but some people overwhelm others in an attempt to garner intimacy with all they meet. As a result, they often distance people in their unrealistic expectations, feel let down when others don't reciprocate, and have little intimacy with anybody. They find they have less time for those they've made commitments to and more with those whose relationship is more superficial.
The levels of adult relationships are:
Casual Involvement occurs in relationships where people interact in a casual manner and have little or no commitment to one another.
Companionship involves two persons associating for the purpose of sharing a common activity. The activity is more important than the person and the person becomes interchangeable.
Friendship is where two people associate for the purpose of mutual support and enjoyment of each other. The person is most important. The activity is secondary.
Romantic relationships are when friendship is shared with sensuality, passion, and sexuality. Romantic love is more than passion and sexuality. Passion and sexuality can be experienced in the context of casual involvement.
Committed relationships are when we commit to working on taking responsibility for our part and mutually agree to do what we say we are going to do. We trust that when there are problems, it does not mean the relationship is over. We agree to work on whatever problems arise with a mutual trust of sincerity and intent. Commitment does not mean you stay in a relationship irrespective of what may occur. At times, as people change, relationships are renegotiated. Commitments are reinforced or lessened, but when we make a commitment, we do what we can to make the relationship work, not allowing ourselves to be abused, nor allowing ourselves to give up our integrity in the process.
While it is not always reality, it is healthiest for people to move through these levels as listed. Once a relationship has moved into a romantic or committed level, the couple continues to incorporate the previous levels into their daily lives. Committed relationships incorporate casual contact from the standpoint that superficial routine is a part of daily life. For people with a troubled childhood, it is important to learn that casual contact is not abandonment. The ability to move in and out of these levels will be incorporated into a committed relationship.
As well, there can certainly be intimate moments and experiences with strangers or companions. Those who experience natural crisis at the same time, those who are witness to a beautiful scene together, may connect in a highly intimate fashion. While such moments may be fleeting in time, they may affect us for life. Those times are seldom forgotten, yet it is with our close friends, partners, and family members that we experience our greatest ongoing intimacy.
Excerpt from Changing Course
Some people are only in our lives, or we are only in theirs, to provide a practical service. For example, the bus driver's role is to see we are driven safely to a destination. The barber's role is to provide a satisfactory haircut. A co-worker's role is to develop a relationship that allows the goals of the workplace to be met. The intimacy we develop with friends and partners offers a greater sense of meaning, purpose and connectedness than our more casual and superficial relationships. I do not want to discount that we develop caring feelings toward those who work with us or provide services, but some people overwhelm others in an attempt to garner intimacy with all they meet. As a result, they often distance people in their unrealistic expectations, feel let down when others don't reciprocate, and have little intimacy with anybody. They find they have less time for those they've made commitments to and more with those whose relationship is more superficial.
The levels of adult relationships are:
Casual Involvement occurs in relationships where people interact in a casual manner and have little or no commitment to one another.
Companionship involves two persons associating for the purpose of sharing a common activity. The activity is more important than the person and the person becomes interchangeable.
Friendship is where two people associate for the purpose of mutual support and enjoyment of each other. The person is most important. The activity is secondary.
Romantic relationships are when friendship is shared with sensuality, passion, and sexuality. Romantic love is more than passion and sexuality. Passion and sexuality can be experienced in the context of casual involvement.
Committed relationships are when we commit to working on taking responsibility for our part and mutually agree to do what we say we are going to do. We trust that when there are problems, it does not mean the relationship is over. We agree to work on whatever problems arise with a mutual trust of sincerity and intent. Commitment does not mean you stay in a relationship irrespective of what may occur. At times, as people change, relationships are renegotiated. Commitments are reinforced or lessened, but when we make a commitment, we do what we can to make the relationship work, not allowing ourselves to be abused, nor allowing ourselves to give up our integrity in the process.
While it is not always reality, it is healthiest for people to move through these levels as listed. Once a relationship has moved into a romantic or committed level, the couple continues to incorporate the previous levels into their daily lives. Committed relationships incorporate casual contact from the standpoint that superficial routine is a part of daily life. For people with a troubled childhood, it is important to learn that casual contact is not abandonment. The ability to move in and out of these levels will be incorporated into a committed relationship.
As well, there can certainly be intimate moments and experiences with strangers or companions. Those who experience natural crisis at the same time, those who are witness to a beautiful scene together, may connect in a highly intimate fashion. While such moments may be fleeting in time, they may affect us for life. Those times are seldom forgotten, yet it is with our close friends, partners, and family members that we experience our greatest ongoing intimacy.
Excerpt from Changing Course
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
The Power of Secrets
Secrets are powerful because they can control you. Very often, the problem with a secret is not the content of the secret itself, but what you must do to keep the secret information out of sight. In a family, it is the proverbial skeleton in the closet and everyone in the family is held responsible to remain on guard in case someone outside the family gets too near the closet door.
Whether secrets are passed down unbeknown to others or people actively collude to hide the information, it is fair to say that as a young child you had no choice in the matter; you were more or less coerced to keep the family secret. As an adult, you are now enforcing that secrecy on yourself. You may not be aware of it but you are the one making the choice to keep certain information away from prying eyes. The secret is just that — only information — and the choice is yours to tell it, to admit it, or to keep it hidden.
By admitting the reality of what is, you deflate the power of the secret. You can't drink away, exercise away, eat away, work away, or by any other effort rationalize away the power of the secret. The only way is to end denial, to admit, to open the closet door — that is the only way to get free.
Whether secrets are passed down unbeknown to others or people actively collude to hide the information, it is fair to say that as a young child you had no choice in the matter; you were more or less coerced to keep the family secret. As an adult, you are now enforcing that secrecy on yourself. You may not be aware of it but you are the one making the choice to keep certain information away from prying eyes. The secret is just that — only information — and the choice is yours to tell it, to admit it, or to keep it hidden.
By admitting the reality of what is, you deflate the power of the secret. You can't drink away, exercise away, eat away, work away, or by any other effort rationalize away the power of the secret. The only way is to end denial, to admit, to open the closet door — that is the only way to get free.
Monday, June 21, 2010
The Emotional Injury of Distorted Boundaries
Many times abandonment issues are fused with distorted, confused, or undefined personal boundaries. We experience abandonment when parents have a distorted sense of boundaries, their boundaries and ours. They want us to like what they like, dress like they dress, and feel as they do. If we in any way express differences from our parents, or make different choices than they would, we know we run the risk of rejection.
How many of us attended colleges that our parents chose for us? How many of us married who we did or when we did because that was expected or desired by our parents? Having done what our parents expected, wanted, or demanded does not mean that it was the wrong thing to do. It just means that the decision was never totally ours. Certainly, many people do exactly what their parents don’t want them to do. Often this is an attempt to be a separate person. We choose to marry the person they would like the least, or simply choose to not attend college at all. It is not the outcome that is the issue as much as it is the decision-making process. Instead of choosing freely, we make a reactive decision based in anger.
When parents hold children responsible for what should be their responsibility, they are expecting something impossible of a child. In effect, they are telling children that they have more power than they truly have, setting them up to experience futility and inadequacy.
Many times parents develop relationships with their children in which they are their friends, their peers, their equals. In doing so, they share information that is not age-appropriate for a child. Inappropriate information often creates a sense of burden, or even guilt, for children. That is not fair.
When parents are disrespectful of their children's boundaries and violate them, the message given is that they don't value the child as a person. That message becomes internalized as "I am not of value. I am not worthy." When parents don't acknowledge children's boundaries, the message they give is "You are here to meet my needs," and/or "I am more important than you," and/or "It is not okay to be your own person with individual feelings, desires, or needs." When children experience chronic abandonment with distorted boundaries, they live in fear and doubt about their worth. The greater the clarity a child has around boundaries, understanding who is responsible for what, and the greater a child's self-esteem, the more likely a child will be able to reject, rather than internalize, shameful behaviors and messages.
As children we cannot reject parents, because they are so desperately needed. Instead, we take on the burden of being wrong or bad. In doing this, we purge parents of being wrong or hurtful, which reinforces a sense of security. In essence, outer safety is purchased at the price of inner security.
What we must understand now is that our abandonment experiences and boundary violations were in no way indictments of our innate goodness and value. Instead, they revealed the flawed thinking, false beliefs, and impaired behaviors of those who hurt us. Still, the wounds were struck deep in our young hearts and minds, and the very real pain can still be felt today. The causes of our emotional injury need to be understood and accepted so we can heal. Until we do, the pain will stay with us, becoming a driving force in our adult lives.
Excerpt from Changing Course
How many of us attended colleges that our parents chose for us? How many of us married who we did or when we did because that was expected or desired by our parents? Having done what our parents expected, wanted, or demanded does not mean that it was the wrong thing to do. It just means that the decision was never totally ours. Certainly, many people do exactly what their parents don’t want them to do. Often this is an attempt to be a separate person. We choose to marry the person they would like the least, or simply choose to not attend college at all. It is not the outcome that is the issue as much as it is the decision-making process. Instead of choosing freely, we make a reactive decision based in anger.
When parents hold children responsible for what should be their responsibility, they are expecting something impossible of a child. In effect, they are telling children that they have more power than they truly have, setting them up to experience futility and inadequacy.
Many times parents develop relationships with their children in which they are their friends, their peers, their equals. In doing so, they share information that is not age-appropriate for a child. Inappropriate information often creates a sense of burden, or even guilt, for children. That is not fair.
When parents are disrespectful of their children's boundaries and violate them, the message given is that they don't value the child as a person. That message becomes internalized as "I am not of value. I am not worthy." When parents don't acknowledge children's boundaries, the message they give is "You are here to meet my needs," and/or "I am more important than you," and/or "It is not okay to be your own person with individual feelings, desires, or needs." When children experience chronic abandonment with distorted boundaries, they live in fear and doubt about their worth. The greater the clarity a child has around boundaries, understanding who is responsible for what, and the greater a child's self-esteem, the more likely a child will be able to reject, rather than internalize, shameful behaviors and messages.
As children we cannot reject parents, because they are so desperately needed. Instead, we take on the burden of being wrong or bad. In doing this, we purge parents of being wrong or hurtful, which reinforces a sense of security. In essence, outer safety is purchased at the price of inner security.
What we must understand now is that our abandonment experiences and boundary violations were in no way indictments of our innate goodness and value. Instead, they revealed the flawed thinking, false beliefs, and impaired behaviors of those who hurt us. Still, the wounds were struck deep in our young hearts and minds, and the very real pain can still be felt today. The causes of our emotional injury need to be understood and accepted so we can heal. Until we do, the pain will stay with us, becoming a driving force in our adult lives.
Excerpt from Changing Course
Friday, June 4, 2010
Understanding the Pain of Abandonment
When children are raised with chronic loss, without the psychological or physical protection they need and certainly deserve, it is most natural for them to internalize incredible fear. Not receiving the necessary psychological or physical protection equals abandonment. And, living with repeated abandonment experiences creates toxic shame. Shame arises from the painful message implied in abandonment: "You are not important. You are not of value.” This is the pain from which people need to heal.
For some children abandonment is primarily physical. Physical abandonment occurs when the physical conditions necessary for thriving have been replaced by:
For some children abandonment is primarily physical. Physical abandonment occurs when the physical conditions necessary for thriving have been replaced by:
- lack of appropriate supervision
- inadequate provision of nutrition and meals
- inadequate clothing, housing, heat, or shelter
- physical and/or sexual abuse
Children are totally dependent on caretakers to provide safety in their environment. When they do not, they grow up believing that the world is an unsafe place, that people are not to be trusted, and that they do not deserve positive attention and adequate care.
Emotional abandonment occurs when parents do not provide the emotional conditions and the emotional environment necessary for healthy development. I like to define emotional abandonment as “occurring when a child has to hide a part of who he or she is in order to be accepted, or to not be rejected.” Having to hide a part of yourself means:
- it is not okay to make a mistake.
- it is not okay to show feelings, being told the way you feel is not true. “You have nothing to cry about and if you don’t stop crying I will really give you something to cry about.” “That really didn’t hurt.” “You have nothing to be angry about.”
- it is not okay to have needs. Everyone else’s needs appear to be more important than yours.
- it is not okay to have successes. Accomplishments are not acknowledged, are many times discounted.
Other acts of abandonment occur when:
- Children cannot live up to the expectations of their parents. These expectations are often unrealistic and not age-appropriate.
- Children are held responsible for other people's behavior. They may be consistently blamed for the actions and feelings of their parents.
- Disapproval toward children is aimed at their entire beings or identity rather than a particular behavior, such as telling a child he is worthless when he does not do his homework or she is never going to be a good athlete because she missed the final catch of the game.
Many times abandonment issues are fused with distorted, confused, or undefined boundaries such as:
- When parents do not view children as separate beings with distinct boundaries
- When parents expect children to be extensions of themselves
- When parents are not willing to take responsibility for their feelings, thoughts, and behaviors, but expect children to take responsibility for them
- When parents' self-esteem is derived through their child’s behavior
- When children are treated as peers with no parent/child distinction
Abandonment plus distorted boundaries, at a time when children are developing their sense of worth, is the foundation for the belief in their own inadequacy and the central cause of their shame.
Abandonment experiences and boundary violations are in no way indictments of a child’s innate goodness and value. Instead, they reveal the flawed thinking, false beliefs, and impaired behaviors of those who hurt them. Still, the wounds are struck deep in their young hearts and minds, and the very real pain can still be felt today. The causes of emotional injury need to be understood and accepted so they can heal. Until that occurs, the pain will stay with them, becoming a driving force in their adult lives.
Excerpt from Changing Course
Monday, April 12, 2010
The Lois Wilson Story
When Love is Not Enough: The Lois Wilson Story, is a new "Hallmark Hall of Fame" presentation starring Winona Ryder and Barry Pepper which will broadcast Sunday, April 25 (9:00-11:00 PM, ET/PT) on the CBS Television Network.
Spanning more than 30 years, this movie is based on the biography by William G. Borchert and is the true story of the enduring but troubled love between Lois Wilson (Ryder), co-founder of Al-Anon, and her alcoholic husband Bill Wilson (Pepper), co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I had the wonderful opportunity to meet Lois just two years prior to her death at age 97 in 1988. A representative of World Service Al-Anon took me to her home where I shared with her my children's book My Dad Loves Me My Dad Has a Disease. She had a great love for children, but was physically unable to bear her own and Bill's drinking interfered with adoption possibilities. She was a delightful woman, and most gracious. We also connected about being bicycle riders, as that day she had just gotten off her stationery bike!
Lois stuck by her husband through many years of tormented and abusive alcoholic drinking, believing that her unconditional love could get him sober. It could not. This loving and determined woman watched her husband, Bill destroy his career, his relationships and his health, checking into and out of alcoholic sanitariums as he neared the point of death and insanity. Finally through a life changing spiritual experience Bill was led to another alcoholic, Robert Smith, and together in 1935 they founded AA.
As Bill and Bob attained lasting sobriety, Lois began to question the value she had in her own marriage. After devoting 17 years to healing her sick husband, Lois felt isolated and resentful that he was sober without her help. Lois eventually discovered that she was not alone. She slowly engaged the wives of the men in Bill's program and came to realize that while Bill was addicted to alcohol, she was addicted to him - and that the family and friends of alcoholics are, in some ways, as sick as their loved ones. Lois gained the necessary understanding needed to repair her fractured relationship and to help millions of others do the same. She co-founded Al-Anon in 1951.
Al-Anon is one of the most successful forces for good in the world today. The Twelve Step programs developed by Lois and her husband are the basis for multiple self-help groups growing around the world today, from Narcotics Anonymous to Overeaters Anonymous. Al-Anon groups can be found throughout the world, where ever one lives there will be a group meeting nearby.
The story of Lois Wilson is a poignant account of her life, its impact on the recovery world and on addiction in families.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Deceived: Denial & Minimizing
When as a partner of a sex addict rationalizations become weak, the tendency to minimize comes next. That only strengthens the denial. Minimizations common to those in relationships with sex addicts are:
- It’s not that bad.
- I’m the only one who really understands him.
- He needs me ─ now more than ever.
- It’s just a phase.
- It’s not his fault that whore went after him; he didn’t have a chance.
- I’m not that interested in sex anyway.
- It could be worse. At least he is not addicted to ____ (something other than sex, i.e. alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc.)
- It doesn’t matter if I don’t know everything he does.
How often have you had these thoughts?
Think about the beliefs and fears that bolster your rationalizations and minimizations. Partners of addicts share common beliefs and fears. Some of them are:
- I can’t live without him.
- No one else will ever love me.
- I don’t deserve better.
- He’s the father of my children, and they need their father.
- All men are like this.
- I would have to give up some of my lifestyle because there is not enough money.
- My family might find out and I’d feel humiliated.
- The kids might find out and I won’t know how to handle it.
- I’ve never balanced a checkbook, paid bills, or paid attention to our retirement and I am not capable.
- If others found out about his sexual behavior they would think I’m not a good sexual partner, because if I were, he would not stray.
- If he is a sex addict, then all the good times in the past were a lie.
Does any of this sound familiar?
It’s easy to start to berate yourself, to feel like a fool. If you are beating yourself up, stop. Denying, minimizing, and rationalizing are the most natural responses to living with someone acting out an addictive disorder. Of course you want to protect yourself. You want to believe it’s not the problem it is. You want to give him the benefit of the doubt. It’s so painful to get to the truth when the reality is only he can change his behavior; you can’t do it for him. But you can honor yourself; that starts with challenging your own addictive behavior − your denial. This begins with identifying what you know and/or suspect and seeking out literature to learn more about codependency, sexual betrayal and sexual addiction. You don’t have to believe it’s addictive but be open to understanding what the addiction may look like. Pay attention to his behavior, not his words. Be willing to seek out a clinician trained in working with sexual betrayals and addiction.
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