The Power of Secrets

Secrets are powerful because they can control you. Very often, the problem with a secret is not the content of the secret itself, but what you must do to keep the secret information out of sight. In a family, it is the proverbial skeleton in the closet and everyone in the family is held responsible to remain on guard in case someone outside the family gets too near the closet door.

Whether secrets are passed down unbeknown to others or people actively collude to hide the information, it is fair to say that as a young child you had no choice in the matter; you were more or less coerced to keep the family secret. As an adult, you are now enforcing that secrecy on yourself. You may not be aware of it but you are the one making the choice to keep certain information away from prying eyes. The secret is just that — only information — and the choice is yours to tell it, to admit it, or to keep it hidden.

By admitting the reality of what is, you deflate the power of the secret. You can't drink away, exercise away, eat away, work away, or by any other effort rationalize away the power of the secret. The only way is to end denial, to admit, to open the closet door — that is the only way to get free.

The Emotional Injury of Distorted Boundaries

Many times abandonment issues are fused with distorted, confused, or undefined personal boundaries. We experience abandonment when parents have a distorted sense of boundaries, their boundaries and ours. They want us to like what they like, dress like they dress, and feel as they do. If we in any way express differences from our parents, or make different choices than they would, we know we run the risk of rejection.

How many of us attended colleges that our parents chose for us? How many of us married who we did or when we did because that was expected or desired by our parents? Having done what our parents expected, wanted, or demanded does not mean that it was the wrong thing to do. It just means that the decision was never totally ours. Certainly, many people do exactly what their parents don’t want them to do. Often this is an attempt to be a separate person. We choose to marry the person they would like the least, or simply choose to not attend college at all. It is not the outcome that is the issue as much as it is the decision-making process. Instead of choosing freely, we make a reactive decision based in anger.

When parents hold children responsible for what should be their responsibility, they are expecting something impossible of a child. In effect, they are telling children that they have more power than they truly have, setting them up to experience futility and inadequacy.

Many times parents develop relationships with their children in which they are their friends, their peers, their equals. In doing so, they share information that is not age-appropriate for a child. Inappropriate information often creates a sense of burden, or even guilt, for children. That is not fair.

When parents are disrespectful of their children's boundaries and violate them, the message given is that they don't value the child as a person. That message becomes internalized as "I am not of value. I am not worthy." When parents don't acknowledge children's boundaries, the message they give is "You are here to meet my needs," and/or "I am more important than you," and/or "It is not okay to be your own person with individual feelings, desires, or needs." When children experience chronic abandonment with distorted boundaries, they live in fear and doubt about their worth. The greater the clarity a child has around boundaries, understanding who is responsible for what, and the greater a child's self-esteem, the more likely a child will be able to reject, rather than internalize, shameful behaviors and messages.

As children we cannot reject parents, because they are so desperately needed. Instead, we take on the burden of being wrong or bad. In doing this, we purge parents of being wrong or hurtful, which reinforces a sense of security. In essence, outer safety is purchased at the price of inner security.

What we must understand now is that our abandonment experiences and boundary violations were in no way indictments of our innate goodness and value. Instead, they revealed the flawed thinking, false beliefs, and impaired behaviors of those who hurt us. Still, the wounds were struck deep in our young hearts and minds, and the very real pain can still be felt today. The causes of our emotional injury need to be understood and accepted so we can heal. Until we do, the pain will stay with us, becoming a driving force in our adult lives.

Excerpt from Changing Course

Understanding the Pain of Abandonment

When children are raised with chronic loss, without the psychological or physical protection they need and certainly deserve, it is most natural for them to internalize incredible fear. Not receiving the necessary psychological or physical protection equals abandonment. And, living with repeated abandonment experiences creates toxic shame. Shame arises from the painful message implied in abandonment: "You are not important. You are not of value.” This is the pain from which people need to heal.

For some children abandonment is primarily physical. Physical abandonment occurs when the physical conditions necessary for thriving have been replaced by:

• lack of appropriate supervision
• inadequate provision of nutrition and meals
• inadequate clothing, housing, heat, or shelter
• physical and/or sexual abuse
  

Children are totally dependent on caretakers to provide safety in their environment. When they do not, they grow up believing that the world is an unsafe place, that people are not to be trusted, and that they do not deserve positive attention and adequate care.

Emotional abandonment occurs when parents do not provide the emotional conditions and the emotional environment necessary for healthy development. I like to define emotional abandonment as “occurring when a child has to hide a part of who he or she is in order to be accepted, or to not be rejected.” Having to hide a part of yourself means:

• it is not okay to make a mistake.
• it is not okay to show feelings, being told the way you feel is not true. “You have nothing to cry about and if you don’t stop crying I will really give you something to cry about.” “That really didn’t hurt.” “You have nothing to be angry about.”
• it is not okay to have needs. Everyone else’s needs appear to be more important than yours.
• it is not okay to have successes. Accomplishments are not acknowledged, are many times discounted.
  

Other acts of abandonment occur when:

• Children cannot live up to the expectations of their parents. These expectations are often unrealistic and not age-appropriate.
• Children are held responsible for other people's behavior. They may be consistently blamed for the actions and feelings of their parents.
• Disapproval toward children is aimed at their entire beings or identity rather than a particular behavior, such as telling a child he is worthless when he does not do his homework or she is never going to be a good athlete because she missed the final catch of the game.

Many times abandonment issues are fused with distorted, confused, or undefined boundaries such as:

• When parents do not view children as separate beings with distinct boundaries
• When parents expect children to be extensions of themselves
• When parents are not willing to take responsibility for their feelings, thoughts, and behaviors, but expect children to take responsibility for them
• When parents' self-esteem is derived through their child’s behavior
• When children are treated as peers with no parent/child distinction

Abandonment plus distorted boundaries, at a time when children are developing their sense of worth, is the foundation for the belief in their own inadequacy and the central cause of their shame.

Abandonment experiences and boundary violations are in no way indictments of a child’s innate goodness and value. Instead, they reveal the flawed thinking, false beliefs, and impaired behaviors of those who hurt them. Still, the wounds are struck deep in their young hearts and minds, and the very real pain can still be felt today. The causes of emotional injury need to be understood and accepted so they can heal. Until that occurs, the pain will stay with them, becoming a driving force in their adult lives.

Excerpt from Changing Course

The Lois Wilson Story

When Love is Not Enough: The Lois Wilson Story, is a new "Hallmark Hall of Fame" presentation starring Winona Ryder and Barry Pepper which will broadcast Sunday, April 25 (9:00-11:00 PM, ET/PT) on the CBS Television Network.

Spanning more than 30 years, this movie is based on the biography by William G. Borchert and is the true story of the enduring but troubled love between Lois Wilson (Ryder), co-founder of Al-Anon, and her alcoholic husband Bill Wilson (Pepper), co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I had the wonderful opportunity to meet Lois just two years prior to her death at age 97 in 1988. A representative of World Service Al-Anon took me to her home where I shared with her my children's book My Dad Loves Me My Dad Has a Disease. She had a great love for children, but was physically unable to bear her own and Bill's drinking interfered with adoption possibilities. She was a delightful woman, and most gracious. We also connected about being bicycle riders, as that day she had just gotten off her stationery bike!

Lois stuck by her husband through many years of tormented and abusive alcoholic drinking, believing that her unconditional love could get him sober. It could not. This loving and determined woman watched her husband, Bill destroy his career, his relationships and his health, checking into and out of alcoholic sanitariums as he neared the point of death and insanity. Finally through a life changing spiritual experience Bill was led to another alcoholic, Robert Smith, and together in 1935 they founded AA.

As Bill and Bob attained lasting sobriety, Lois began to question the value she had in her own marriage. After devoting 17 years to healing her sick husband, Lois felt isolated and resentful that he was sober without her help. Lois eventually discovered that she was not alone. She slowly engaged the wives of the men in Bill's program and came to realize that while Bill was addicted to alcohol, she was addicted to him - and that the family and friends of alcoholics are, in some ways, as sick as their loved ones. Lois gained the necessary understanding needed to repair her fractured relationship and to help millions of others do the same. She co-founded Al-Anon in 1951.

Al-Anon is one of the most successful forces for good in the world today. The Twelve Step programs developed by Lois and her husband are the basis for multiple self-help groups growing around the world today, from Narcotics Anonymous to Overeaters Anonymous. Al-Anon groups can be found throughout the world, where ever one lives there will be a group meeting nearby.

The story of Lois Wilson is a poignant account of her life, its impact on the recovery world and on addiction in families.

Deceived: Denial & Minimizing

When as a partner of a sex addict rationalizations become weak, the tendency to minimize comes next. That only strengthens the denial. Minimizations common to those in relationships with sex addicts are:

• It’s not that bad.
• I’m the only one who really understands him.
• He needs me ─ now more than ever.
• It’s just a phase.
• It’s not his fault that whore went after him; he didn’t have a chance.
• I’m not that interested in sex anyway.
• It could be worse. At least he is not addicted to ____ (something other than sex, i.e. alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc.)
• It doesn’t matter if I don’t know everything he does.

How often have you had these thoughts?

Think about the beliefs and fears that bolster your rationalizations and minimizations. Partners of addicts share common beliefs and fears. Some of them are:

• I can’t live without him.
• No one else will ever love me.
• I don’t deserve better.
• He’s the father of my children, and they need their father.
• All men are like this.
• I would have to give up some of my lifestyle because there is not enough money.
• My family might find out and I’d feel humiliated.
• The kids might find out and I won’t know how to handle it.
• I’ve never balanced a checkbook, paid bills, or paid attention to our retirement and I am not capable.
• If others found out about his sexual behavior they would think I’m not a good sexual partner, because if I were, he would not stray.
• If he is a sex addict, then all the good times in the past were a lie.

Does any of this sound familiar?

It’s easy to start to berate yourself, to feel like a fool. If you are beating yourself up, stop. Denying, minimizing, and rationalizing are the most natural responses to living with someone acting out an addictive disorder. Of course you want to protect yourself. You want to believe it’s not the problem it is. You want to give him the benefit of the doubt. It’s so painful to get to the truth when the reality is only he can change his behavior; you can’t do it for him. But you can honor yourself; that starts with challenging your own addictive behavior − your denial. This begins with identifying what you know and/or suspect and seeking out literature to learn more about codependency, sexual betrayal and sexual addiction. You don’t have to believe it’s addictive but be open to understanding what the addiction may look like. Pay attention to his behavior, not his words. Be willing to seek out a clinician trained in working with sexual betrayals and addiction.

Deceived: Denial & Rationalizing

As a partner of a sex addict you minimize, discount, rationalize, deny, and pretend things are different than they really are because you want to trust your partner. You want to believe the relationship has a strong foundation. You want to be able to believe all is okay. That is absolutely understandable. Don’t be critical of yourself. If you see the situation for what it really is and don’t know what to do, it is natural to slide into a state of hopelessness and helplessness. The truth taps your greatest fear, that you are unloved and abandoned. You feel shame and humiliation. So as long as the addict denies or minimizes it, you can rationalize, deny, and pretend as well. The illusion of safety and security is an enticing fantasy. But in the process you quit trusting yourself, your inner voice.

Denial induces numbness. Now couple your need for denial with the fact that sex addicts are masters of misdirection. They can quickly tap into your vulnerability, and charm you or shame you right out of your distrust. His manipulations may include being charming, bullying, threatening, and playing the victim and often using the combination of any or all of those. This conduct is beyond hurtful. It’s cruel, abusive, and traumatizing. It is also a natural aspect of addictive behavior, a manipulative attempt to take the focus off of him.

Examples of denial are thinking such things as:

• The pornography doesn’t really bother me, it’s only pictures.


• He can’t help it if other women throw themselves at him.


• Work must be his problem; if he would just change jobs.


• If we move he will stop this behavior.

Your denial is supported by extensive rationalization.

• Men will be men.


• He is an honest person; he would not lie to me.


• He’s not really staring at women; he’s just interested in watching people.


• It doesn’t hurt to look at pictures (porn) – at least he is not having an affair.


• It’s easier for him to be friends with women – that doesn’t mean he is having an affair.


• His business takes priority over me and the kids but I understand – it’s just while he is building his career.


• I must have gotten this STD from a toilet seat – he told me I couldn’t have gotten it from him.


• He told me the long distance calls were not his – the phone company must have made a mistake.


• Those Internet spammers are infiltrating our email with porn sites.


• The police are exaggerating his behavior.


• He’s such a good dad.


• It's not his fault that I can’t fulfill him sexually.


• I am the one he comes home to.
  

Does any of this sound familiar? If so, they are rationalizations that will keep you in denial.

March 2010 News Letter

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