Claudia Black

Camp Mariposa

2011-10-26T11:41:00.000-07:00

I had a wonderful experience the last weekend in September when I attended Camp Mariposa here in Washington State. This is a camp for children affected by addiction in the family. This particular one was for younger kids age 9 – 12. A few years ago I was approached by Karen and Jamie Moyer (professional baseball player) as they have a foundation whose mission is focused on children in need. The outcome is that through the Bellevue based agency Youth Eastside Services (YES) they offer 6 camps a year for kids 9 – 17 years of age. The camp includes an outdoor challenge and ropes course as well as singing and s-mores! I had to laugh as one of the songs was a song I use to sing when I went bar hopping as a child with my father. (He went to the bar - I was just waited in the car for hours, but we sang between bars.) These kids tend to not come from homes with recovery, and many have needed alternative living situations. As one young boy said to me, ‘Most of us have been raised by girls.’ He meant single mothers, aunts, grandmothers, or other females. There were few family heroes, mostly they identified as lost children and family mascots. Andrea Frost from YES leads the weekends and has a staff of twelve with her for the twenty four kids. That in itself was incredible. I loved watching the tools they used to calm and refocus 24 very active kids. They actually had them knitting—and yes the boys loved it. They would do a yoga pose, and then shake out their stress, learning about letting go. I enjoyed the creativity of how they worked with kids, using analogies of trees or animals, talking about feelings, family roles, and self care. Of course when the kids acted out family scripts you realized just how much they’ve seen and internalized. It was a lot of fun for them to be on stage, to be seen and heard and to own so much of the reality of their lives. Throughout the weekend, the focus was on taking some of these new skills into their daily lives, knowing that the kids were still in some very difficult situations. To see them have so much fun while learning to trust, learn skills of self care, talk honestly…. well you get the picture. It was touching and inspiring to see these kids have such a good time in a traditional camp setting. For the staff at YES it was a weekend of great compassion, skill and commitment beyond the normal work expectation and as is often true, Karen Moyer was in attendance, actively participating. The Moyer Foundation will soon be implementing Camp Mariposa in Indiana and Florida. To learn more about Camp Mariposa and Camp Erin, a bereavement camp for children, visit the Moyer Foundation.

Women and Addiction: From Betty Ford to Amy Winehouse

2011-07-27T09:52:00.000-07:00

In 1978, a year after she left the White House and at the time of her 60th birthday, the wife of President Gerald Ford, Betty Ford, found that her drinking and use of prescription pain medications had drastically increased. Soon after that she was the recipient of a newly recognized therapeutic process called ‘intervention.’ Her family united from a position of love to confront her about her drinking and drug use and insist she seek treatment. After an initially angry response, she admitted herself to the Long Beach Naval Hospital’s drug and alcohol rehabilitation program. There the former First Lady found herself not only having to share a room with other women, but perform humble tasks like cleaning restrooms and participating in emotionally revelatory therapy sessions with five other women patients there at the same time. Rather than seek to obfuscate the true reasons for her hospitalization or to treat it with shame, Betty Ford decided to fully disclose the details of her addiction and treatment.

Feeling passionate about the possibilities of recovery, she opened the Betty Ford Center in Palm Springs, California. The center was dedicated on October 3, 1982 and today offers gender specific treatment to women. This was not available to women just a few years previously. Betty told her story in the book A Glad Awakening, Doubleday 1987, and was a true pioneer in advocating for women and the possibility of recovery.

Today we know that:

Female substance abusers metabolize alcohol less efficiently than men, a difference that leads to higher blood alcohol concentrations over a shorter period of time.

Pound for pound women get drunk or high faster than men as each drink hits a woman like a double. The female body contains less water and more fatty tissue which increases alcohol absorption. Women have a lower activity level of an enzyme called alcohol dehydrogenase which breaks down alcohol.

Women move through the progression more quickly having a more rapid development of dependence.

Women experience adverse physiological effects of alcohol on the liver, cardiovascular and gastrointestinal systems more quickly than men. This is called telescoping.

Women become addicted to narcotics faster than men.

Women are more likely than males to be hospitalized due to non-medical use of prescription and over the counter medications.

Women are less likely to ask for and/or receive help.

Women are more apt to die at younger ages than men who are addicted.

Addiction is a terminal illness; people literally die from it, be it from overdoses, toxicity, or accidents. But prior to the physical death is the emotional death, the relational deaths, the spiritual deaths. Yet I know of no other terminal illness more treatable than addiction.

Betty Ford’s life was celebrated just a few weeks ago as she was laid to rest at the age of 92. Her recovery is a major legacy that will continue to impact both women and men.

Yet it is with great sadness that the public is quickly confronted with the fact that many who are addicted will die before they can embrace recovery as we just saw with Amy Winehouse, the well known English singer/songwriter dead at only 27. As I write this, others less publicly known, are also dying daily of this horrific disease of addiction.

Don’t stay silent – let those you know who are in trouble that while you love them you cannot condone, or in any way support their addictive behavior. You will support them in recovery but not in their disease.

Your Life's Baggage: What are you carrying?

2011-06-21T12:27:00.000-07:00

Think of your life journey as a trip. When people take a trip they think of where they are going, how they are going to get there and what it is they are going to take with them.

I want you to think about the baggage you take with you on your life journey. The baggage I am talking about carries 1) beliefs about yourself, others, and the world, 2) feelings you value and/or the feelings you experienced that you have held onto because it wasn’t safe to express them and 3) the skills you developed that help you to live with others and to achieve your goals.

Think about what it is you are carrying and whether or not you need to consider repacking your bags.

What I am asking you to do is look at the bags you travel with. Unpack them and look inside.
What are you carrying? How long have you been carrying them? Who packed the bags? Do these bags still serve their purpose?

To begin this process, think about the exterior, the shell of your bags. If you were to describe them, what would they look like?
Perhaps your bags are of brown paper that easily tears or disintegrates in the rain. Maybe they are sturdy hardback bags or soft medium size bags. They could be as small as a purse or as large as a trunk. That which shows itself to the world, the shell, is just that, an exterior. That exterior represents your defenses, built to protect, hide and contain beliefs, feelings and skills.

What best describes the exterior of your baggage?
Knapsack - Trunk - Overnight Bag - Hardcover - Paper
Softcover - Tattered - Colorful - Faded - With wheels

How else would you describe your bags exterior?
Metaphorically, what does that mean to you?
How might you want to change the exterior of your bags?
What would that change reflect?

This is an important start to letting go of what may be sabotaging your health and happiness.

Now go inside your bags and take a look at the beliefs, feelings, and skills you may be carrying. These are beliefs about yourself, others and the world, and feelings you’ve experienced and have held onto either because you value them or because it wasn’t safe to express them. Lastly, you can identify skills you’ve developed that help you to live with others and to achieve your goals.

Cognitive Baggage
Let’s look at the bags that carry your beliefs about you and the world.
Are you carrying beliefs that say:

I am strong, capable.

I can ask for help if I need it.

People are trustworthy.

I am trustworthy.

It is okay to take risks.

I deserve respect

I deserve to be happy

The world has many wonderful things to offer.

Or are you carrying beliefs that say:

I can’t trust other people - they will take advantage of me.

No one will listen to me.

Take what I need.

The world is scary.

It’s not okay to make a mistake, something bad will happen.

Good things only happen to others.

I don’t expect much from me.

I’m inadequate, insufficient. I can’t do anything right.

I need someone to take care of me.

If I show people who I am, they won’t like me.

The world owes me, I am entitled.

In addition to any of those you identified from above, what other beliefs might you be carrying?

Emotional Baggage

What are the feelings you carry with you?

Do you carry memories of laughter, happy times, feelings of pride?

Do you feel loved? Loving?

Do you have so much fear in your life that you have one whole bag designated just for fear?

How much anger, or how many resentments are you carrying?

Do you have a bag of loneliness?

How large is your bag of hopelessness, disappointments, sadness, or guilt?

Are there other feelings you are carrying?

And a very important question to ask yourself is, ‘do you find yourself carrying other people’s bags as well?’ Are you carrying your mother or father’s fears, their guilt, their shame? Do you take on your daughter or son’s disappointments or angers?

What often goes unrecognized is that in your luggage, you are carrying a tool bag, a bag of skills. Some people have a large bag of tools filled with variety and abilities, while others may have but one tool, or different versions of the same tool, and are limited in skills.

Do you have a variety of tools or a limited number and type of skills?
Identify the tools you are carrying:

ability to ask for what you need

ability to listen

problem solving skills

ability to see choices available

negotiation skills

healthy expression of feelings

ability to set limits

clarity around what is important

ability to make decisions

self care skills, eating adequately, basic hygiene skills, appropriate clothing, proper rest, exercise

In addition to those you identified from above, what are other tools you have in your bags?

As you review the beliefs, feelings and tools you carry, think about what you want to continue to carry with you, what you want to let go of, and what you want to add to your baggage.

Now let's look at how carrying painful feelings, negative beliefs and few tools, or just one kind of tool, you often end up needing a cart for your bags.

While it is not true for everyone, the more you come from a history of childhood trauma and loss, fueling unresolved painful feelings, limited skills and negative beliefs, the more likely it is that your bags will continue to grow as you move through adulthood.

New bags may come as a result of divorce, being passed over for a promotion at work, being arrested, a financial setback, inability to stop smoking, and/or the pain that comes with compulsions or addiction. The negative beliefs you have only become heavier and your feelings become overwhelming as your tools are less and less effective. This is a process that takes time and you probably don’t even realize it is happening.

You develop a tolerance for emotional pain and are able to maintain that for a period of time and then, through no fault of your own, your tolerance lessens and you feel an unbearable heaviness. You need help to carry your baggage, so you seek out a baggage cart of some sort to help you continue to carry everything.

These carts are often addiction related. It could be you’ve dumped all your beliefs, feelings and skills into a bottle, a pill, or a syringe. Or perhaps you’ve a gambling addiction, sexual or spending addiction; or an eating disorder and you’ve put your bags into a vat of chocolate, sugars or starches. It could be your cart is depression or anxiety where all of your feelings have accumulated into despair and hopelessness.

These carts do make things seem better for a while. You don’t seem to feel the weight as you once did. But if you think about it, a cart just allows you to pile on more and more baggage. The load gets heavier and heavier and eventually you need a bigger and bigger cart!

Do you think you are using a cart?
If you are, you need to address the cart as this is the first step in letting go of excess baggage.

You’ve had a chance to identify your beliefs, feelings, and tools; to look at whether or not you have a cart, and now you can begin to look at what you want to carry with you on your life journey.

The fear of feelings may have you immobilized and pushing around an out of control cart. It is the accumulation of feelings that leads to trouble. There are safe people and places in which to explore feelings. Nothing bad has to happen as you learn healthy ways in which to express feelings.

What feelings would you prefer to be carrying with you?

To be able to let go of unneeded, unwanted baggage, it’s necessary to challenge the beliefs you operate from.

Are your beliefs hurtful or helpful?

Do they support the way you want to live?

What are new beliefs that would be of greater support to you?

What tools are you carrying that are useful to keep?

Do you need to acquire some new tools you have never had before?

Remember to periodically stop and take a look at what you are carrying. As you take on more responsibility for your emotional self, as you develop more positive beliefs, it is easier to recognize the skills you have acquired along the way, and/or to go in search of a greater variety of skills.

2011-02-11T10:58:00.000-08:00

February 13 is the beginning of Children of Alcoholics Week! This is a week to acknowledge and re-energize our commitment to the fact that one out of every four children is subject to alcoholism and other substance addictions within their families.
Everyone can play a role in reminding the children and the services in a position to influence them about the seven C’s (I didn’t cause it. I can’t cure it. I can’t control it. I can help take care of myself by communicating my feelings —making healthy choices and celebrating me.). It’s important to remember this is not just a family problem, but a community problem. Everyone needs to ask what they can do to make a difference and then act. I strongly suggest you begin by taking a moment to go to NACoA and see the many resources they have that make this feasible.
Also, please take the time to watch and let others know that the Nick News special on Nickelodeon with Linda Ellerbee, “Under the Influence: Children of Alcoholics,” will be replayed on February 15 at 6:00 pm (EST). Five kids will share their experiences of living with parents who are struggling with alcoholism.

On another note, the Moyer Foundation (Moyer being Major League All-Star pitcher Jamie Moyer and his wife, Karen) has been helping children in distress in a variety of ways, but particularly with the creation of Camp Erin, a camp for children who have experienced the death of someone close to them. It started with one camp in 2002 in Everett, Washington and has now expanded to more than forty camps in over twenty-five states, as well as one in Toronto, Canada. Camp Erin is the largest network of bereavement camps in the United States.
The Moyers approached me a couple of years ago when they personally extended their family as a resource to foster a nine-year-old affected by substance abuse. The Moyers have six biological children and two adopted children. They were touched by the struggles of having an addicted parent and wanted to know what I thought they could do for other kids. Knowing of their success and passion for Camp Erin, I suggested a similar camp experience for children of addiction. To make a long story shorter, I became a part of facilitating their first such program, Camp Mariposa, now offered in partnership with Youth Eastside Services (YES) based in Bellevue, Washington. To date YES has conducted eighteen weekend camp experiences for both pre-teens and adolescents. The no-cost camp offers children a chance to laugh, play, explore, and learn, while increasing their understanding of alcohol/other drugs abuse and its impact on the family; raising their awareness of resources available to help them; reducing their sense of isolation and fear; and helping them avoid repeating generational patterns.
I recently met Ann Espo, appointed by the Moyer Foundation in December to be the Program Manager to take Camp Mariposa national. Ann has fourteen years of experience in nonprofit management, communications, and fundraising with agencies serving children, youth, and families. She spent nine years with Boys & Girls Clubs of King County Washington, including seven years as Executive Director of the Wallingford Branch and was most recently Development and Communications Manager for Successful Schools in Action.
I will be working with Ann and the Foundation as they develop their Best Practices for such camps, introducing them to others who have experience with programs for children of addiction and in this process create a program model with an infrastructure for replication. I cannot tell you how excited I am about this. I will keep you updated on the progress.
For the Moyers to take their love of family and children and extend it to kids impacted by addiction is an incredible gift.

New Book to Be Released in October 2011
I have a new book coming out next fall. The working title is The Truth Begins With You: Reflections to Heal Your Spirit. This is my first book project with Central Recovery Press and they just sent me a mock-up of the cover. This is a small but sweet book, and I think people will find it valuable in their healing and recovery journey. If you liked It’s Never Too Late To Have A Happy Childhood that I did over twenty years ago, you will like this even more. In later NewsNotes I will give you samples of the reflections, but for the moment, here are a couple of my favorites: “Your strengths are more powerful than your vulnerabilities,” and “You can’t be honest in the here and now when you continue to deny your childhood experiences.” I asked my assistant, Sandi, for her favorite and she chose, “Say I love you, and say it often. I love you is a complete sentence.”
Now let me tell you about one last endeavor, something I wanted to do just for fun, and that is. . . My Closet

In my office I have a lot of little knickknacks and pictures of family and friends—things that remind me of good times and special people. I surround myself with things that represent comfort and joy. I believe this is because my work is serious and I realize there is a lot about me that is quite serious as well. I have a grouping of fairies, one in a nest, another sits on the shelf, another standing next to a little sign that says “Don’t Piss off the Fairies.” I love it. We can all attribute different meaning to that, but for me it says “don’t get in the way of my fun,” and represents my inquisitiveness and my curiosity. I also have figurines of cats and lions that, for me, depict strength and my desire to touch.

Recently I had this brainstorm to share with all of you these items that represent fun and whimsicality. This may be about my getting older or possibly willing to take a risk, but these fairies and lions bring me joy, make me smile, and keep me in touch with my inner child. Maybe you too will find joy in having one or a few of them for yourself. Each fairy and lion seems to take on a life of their own, full of color, humor, and joy. I hope that you will take a peek inside My Closet.

Please don’t forget the children next week or during the other 365 days of the year.

Chronic Pain and Addiction: Its Impact on Families

2010-11-22T11:04:00.000-08:00

I wrote this article with Dr. Mel Pohl, Medical Director of Las Vegas Recovery Center and author of numerous works on chronic pain and addiction. A version of this article appeared in the October 2010 edition of Counselor Magazine.

Pain is universal and important to all beings—it is a warning that something is wrong and needs attention to prevent further damage to the body. Acute pain functions to protect the body while it heals from trauma or injury. Whereas acute pain protects the body while it heals from trauma or injury, chronic pain is simply ongoing, persisting beyond its usefulness.

People commonly react by resisting the pain; they tighten muscles, stiffen their posture, or try to avoid moving. Resistance causes anxiety, sadness, fear, anger, and frustration. The more resistance, the worse the pain and suffering. Chronic pain includes the physical pain coupled with the emotional pain (suffering), triggered in the brain and generated by the limbic system (the emotional center of the brain). Physical pain and emotional pain are equally real.
As our population ages, chronic pain and its costs—both financial and on a human level—are increasing. Today, medical systems treat chronic pain in over 70 million Americans with a methodology known as “pain management,” which typically includes medications and procedures such as injections and surgeries. The estimated cost of chronic pain treatment in the US is $100 billion annually. The longer we live, the more likely we are to develop pain from a variety of conditions: autoimmune disorders, diabetes, arthritis, cancer, etc. Every time there is a car accident or a sports injury, someone is set up for chronic pain. Furthermore, in the case of back pain, research suggests that obesity, depression, and/or increased awareness of the condition contribute to an increase in back pain. (Griffin, 2009)

Chronic pain syndrome is defined as:
 Intractable pain lasting longer than six months
 Marked alteration of behavior
 Depression or anxiety
 Marked restriction in daily activities
 Excessive use of medications and medical services
 No clear relationship to organic disorder
 Multiple, non-productive tests, treatments, and surgeries

Drugs and Chronic Pain
Addiction treatment professionals will see the similarities and the relationship of addiction to chronic pain. Both involve feelings and loss of control, both affect personality, both are characterized by preoccupation, rationalization, and denial, and both have a profound effect on those around them. If medications are used for chronic pain, it is not uncommon for dependence and compulsive use to occur, especially with opioid painkillers. People with chronic pain often end up medicating their anxiety, fear, anger, and depression with these same drugs. It is common for these clients to have difficulty differentiating physical from emotional pain.

Christine, who struggled with chronic pain from migraines for several years, repetitively commented, “It just hurts, and I want relief.” This was her rationale for continuing to use her drugs. But she had developed dependence, loss of control, and compulsive use—in other words, addiction.

Families and Chronic Pain
With the co-occurring disorders of pain and addiction, the treatment of each becomes much more complicated. Living with someone in chronic pain also has many similarities to living with someone with an untreated addiction.
The problems for families are more diffuse and life-altering than those of the person living with the pain itself. The family suffers along with the person in pain, developing their own dysfunctional symptoms, and they need to find strategies and solutions that allow them to cope in more self-enhancing ways. Just as addiction is insidious, the role of pain in a person’s life is also insidious, and in time, for those within the family’s intimate circle, it becomes the central organizing feature of the relationship. Everyone is focused upon and responding to the pain. Families often need to make adjustments to accommodate both the person in pain and the results of the pain. They have myriad feelings depending on their relationship and role, and those feelings ultimately drive the highly enmeshed family members to frustration, anger, and social isolation.

Kevin was in a severe sports accident as a teenager, which led to several surgeries and chronic back pain. Kevin’s father, now divorced from Kevin’s mother and remarried with much younger children, is blatantly angry with Kevin. He is angry at Kevin for not working and for making excuses for not working, tired of hearing how his son’s life has been ruined by the accident, tired of calls from his ex-wife about Kevin’s escapades. The latest problem is that she wants him to pay for drug rehab treatment because now Kevin has become addicted to drugs and his behavior is out of control—all related to the accident and what his dad calls “this so-called chronic pain.” Kevin feels victimized by his father and the chronic pain and views his mother as his only ally. He also feels entitled, after all, “look what happened to me.” Kevin’s mother is totally preoccupied with his life and problems and in turn views Kevin as a victim because of these horrible things happening to him. She is unable to set any limitations on his behavior, regardless of how upsetting it is to her and the family. His dad is lost in anger and blame, both of which are equally ineffective vehicles for improving his son’s life.

Bill’s wife Eleanor has been in bed twenty hours a day for nearly four years in chronic pain, originally emanating from scoliosis surgery, and more recently with a diagnosis of fibromyalgia. He handles her medical appointments, dispenses her medications, mediates any contact with other family members, and passes on the latest news. He is responsible for feeding her, for making sure she is somewhat comfortable, and for cleaning the house and doing the laundry, in addition to working full-time. When the decision is made for Eleanor to enter a chronic pain treatment program, he is beside himself. Fearful of being without her, he calls or e-mails multiple times every day to question the staff. He is asking not so much whether she will get better or what that will mean for her (or him); he just wants to know when she will be home. In effect, he is going through his own form of withdrawal from Eleanor in this highly enmeshed and dysfunctional relationship. Both these families are reacting to the many ramifications and complexities of having a family member in chronic pain.

The family is a complex organism with diverse parts that make up the whole. It functions best when all the different elements are in good working order. When one member is in pain, the equilibrium of the family shifts, and family members change, adjust, and accommodate in response to the strain on the family system. While this is understandable, unfortunately, in time, even if someone has a strong sense of self and worth, the concerned other finds him- or herself acting out self-defeating behaviors.
Families need to develop an understanding of the consequences of their emotional and behavioral responses that may be impeding healthy family function. As an alternative, they need to develop positive coping and relational skills. Often, families may benefit from time apart (which treatment affords) so the person with chronic pain can improve and the family has some breathing room to do work on their own recovery and their healing process.

Biology of Caring
Neuroscience has done much to help us understand what occurs in the brain of the addict, and now it also offers us a better understanding of what occurs for family members. The brain is wired to react empathetically to someone in pain in order to warn others of danger and elicit help. Functional MRI scans show that when watching someone undergo electric shock, the observer’s brain lights up in the same areas in which the brain of the person in pain lights up. (Bufalari et al, 2007) One doesn’t have to witness the painful experience for the brain to react, simply seeing a person act as if he or she is in pain causes the brain to light up. When the person in pain is a family member, the reaction to his or her pain is exponentially stronger.
In another study, when researchers delivered electric shocks to people with chronic pain, they found that in the presence of a solicitous spouse, pain levels and brain activity increased substantially. This study suggests that even though well-intentioned, when a caring person is present, the pain is reinforced. (Flor et al., 2002)

Lessons for family members are:
 You are suffering as you witness your family member suffer, but your concerned and doting manner causes more pain in the very person you want to help.
 This research implies that family connections may well be the biological basis for enabling a loved one in chronic pain.
 Treatment implications involve developing a sense of equilibrium despite another’s experience of pain.

Fundamental Therapeutic Issues for Family Treatment
Chronic Loss
To be in a relationship with a person in chronic pain results in multiple losses. There is the loss of the relationship as it once was, loss of shared social and recreational opportunities, loss of financial security, loss of hopes and dreams being fulfilled, and loss of sexual satisfaction and intimacy, to name a few.

With these losses come a multitude of feelings:
 Fear that he or she will not get any better
 Fear of financial ruin (e.g., bankruptcy, poverty)
 Fear that your life is over
 Anger for thinking he or she is not trying hard enough
 Anger for what happened to cause this (e.g., God, the drunk driver who was responsible for the accident)
 Anger with the medical system for not having the answers
 Anger at the doctors for creating and perpetuating the addiction
 Anger at insurance companies for denying procedures and holding up the approval processes
 Anger at friends or family for not being there to help
 Embarrassment for his or her behavior when overmedicated
 Guilt for being angry
 Guilt for not being able to do more to make a difference
 Guilt for wanting out of the relationship and feeling trapped
 Sadness for the lost social times
 Loneliness that comes with social isolation
 Loneliness because of the emotional disconnection as he or she is preoccupied, distant, medicated

Understandably, family members often feel guilty just for having these feelings, knowing that the pain is not willful behavior. Their reluctance to express their feelings reinforces the dysfunctional family “Don’t talk” rule. In family systems in pain, people learn to minimize, discount, and deny their feelings. So what do they do with all of those feelings? They learn to stuff them, reinforcing another dysfunctional family rule, “Don’t feel,” which culminates in being stuck in a perpetual, unresolved grief process. Consequently, as with addiction, and to an even greater extent, family members become increasingly more emotionally isolated, not sharing their thoughts and feelings with others.

In addition to the emotional disconnection, they are increasingly socially isolated. They become restricted to the home, not wanting to leave the person in pain for fear that he or she will be need them or fear that he or she will put the house or someone else in jeopardy due to being under the influence of drugs. They become the caregiver, nurse, chef, and parent—their lives consumed with telephone calls, medical appointments, and wading through paper work. They limit people visiting for a host of reasons, such as not wanting to face the questions visitors ask, or not knowing to what degree the person in pain will be overmedicated on any given day.

Chronic Caregiving / Perfect Helper
It is only natural to do what is necessary to help when seeing a loved one in pain, but the role of caregiver often becomes overwhelming and burdensome. Sometimes efforts to make things better actually make them worse. The primary caregiver becomes the insurance expert and patient advocate, running interference with major medical systems and other family and friends, and often takes on a nurse-like role, controlling the dispensing of medication. When this continues for years, it often becomes the caregiver’s primary source of identity and esteem. The consequence of accepting such a role is the essence of codependency: becoming selfless in the service to another. No longer knowing what your own needs and wants are, the needs don’t get met and desires are abandoned. In the process of being a good caregiver, self-care is forgotten. The ultimate consequences for such a lifestyle encompass the unhealthy expression of anger, experiencing yourself as a martyr, sacrificing your needs to the needs of another, believing there are no options, and feeling helpless to create change in your own life. Without support and clarity about what is happening, caregivers can ultimately spiral into their own depression or find themselves self-medicating with food, alcohol, and/or other drugs.

Distorted Boundaries
Feeling sorrow and pity for someone in pain, families often take on responsibilities for that person, when in fact he or she is capable of managing those responsibilities independently. This not only creates an unhealthy dependency, it creates a disparate relationship and doesn’t allow the person in pain the opportunity to maintain self-accountability. Enmeshment is extremely common, fueled by feelings of guilt (often false guilt) and fear. Consequently, family members of people in pain act on their behalf, not allowing them to act for themselves.

Kevin and his mother were so used to her taking care of his needs, that he had become virtually helpless. She acted from a place of sympathy rather than empathy, which only reinforced Kevin’s helplessness. Engaging in empathy rather than sympathy will allow Kevin to maintain a stronger sense of self.

High Tolerance for Inappropriate Behavior
People who are in pain and on various medications frequently act out anger in hurtful ways. They feel frustrated, helpless, and scared.

Kevin's family members are experiencing these emotions, but also want to be empathic with Kevin. As a result, they have developed a high tolerance for inappropriate behavior. They are often raged at, called names, and treated with hostility. In spite of Kevin’s physical limitations, family members were also physically abused by him when he would throw objects at them. They made excuses for his behavior and developed a level of tolerance that had disastrous results, including Kevin’s dad ending up hospitalized for a bleeding ulcer. The belief that Kevin’s pain means he can’t help himself only leads to an abnormally high tolerance for inappropriate behavior. This allows Kevin to become an offender, and his family to move into a victim/martyr role. “After all, poor Kevin is in pain—who am I to complain because he shouts every once in a while? I can take it since I’m the healthy one.” Lacking healthy boundaries, Kevin and his parents are using faulty judgment and in danger of making poor decisions.

Preoccupation
As helpless as family members feel about the pain that is experienced, they often become highly vigilant and preoccupied with the pain and with the person in pain who becomes the central force in their lives.
The family members come to faulty conclusions based on assumptions and inadequate information. They are practicing mindreading, which frequently leads to misinterpretation of the truth. For example:

 When Bill’s wife says, “You go, I’ll be fine,” that must mean she wants him to stay home with her.
 When she rolls over in bed that must mean the pain is worse and she needs more medications.
 When Kevin doesn’t say he feels better that must mean he’s ready to have another temper tantrum.

The preoccupation with the pain and the person in pain also leads to social and emotional isolation.

When Bill is with others he cannot focus on connection, let alone have fun because he is consumed with not being present for Eleanor. Bill talks himself out of being with others so he can stay vigilant, believing Eleanor is incapable of managing for herself. He even started working from home so he could keep an eye on her, not being satisfied with his daughters’ offers to help him.

Controlling Behavior
In an effort to bring stability to what is a fragile situation, family members become controlling and preoccupied by trying to read everything they can find about the problem, searching out all possible remedies. While there is no doubt that everyone needs advocates within the healthcare system, in time this became Bill’s identity and only focus, negating all other needs. Eleanor had cause to be more dependent; for Bill there is a fine line between trying to be helpful and taking over. Controlling behavior is having things done your way, in your time frame, without respect for other people’s needs and boundaries. It is created by a fear (an often unrealistic fear) of imminent disaster, and then it feeds on itself. This controlling behavior is demonstrated not just toward the person in pain, but also toward healthcare providers, other family members, and all aspects of life. The chronic pain has become the central feature of the family member’s life.

Secondary Gain
Preoccupation of this type is also very connected to secondary gain. Family members frequently, consciously or unconsciously, sabotage recovery by being attached to their identity within the caregiving role. It becomes the major source of their identity and esteem, and without it they don’t feel of value. They feel displaced. They may have found a power in such responsibility and are left with a sense of worthlessness when they don’t get to operate in that role. While recovery may be consciously desired, the human element of “but what about me?” needs to be acknowledged and addressed.

Bill’s identity and worth is totally attached to attending to Eleanor’s needs. Likewise Kevin’s mom relies on her relationship with Kevin for the meaning in her life. As Kevin and Eleanor get well and more independent, Kevin’s mother and Eleanor’s husband find their sense of self falters, requiring them to rediscover their own life. As Kevin improves and becomes more accountable for himself, his dad loses the primary focus of his deep-seated anger, which stemmed in large part from his own issues of an abusive childhood. Having more clarity about his feelings enables him to respond in a healthier manner to the present reality.

Treatment Goals
Successful treatment must include family members. Similar to any effective treatment for codependency, clinicians should consider the following when working with families:

1. Offer a framework to understand the differences between emotional and physical pain.
2. Validate that all pain is real.
3. Validate the experience of loss.
4. Help family members decrease their isolation.
5. Help family members recognize codependent behaviors as self-defeating to both themselves and their partner/family member in the long run.
6. Offer them a framework to understand the basis of their codependency.
7. Assess for primary disorders, including pain, addiction, and psychiatric co-morbidities.
8. Assist them to engage in greater self-care practices and establish their own program of recovery.

Critical throughout the process is to help the client and family members discuss their hopes and expectations. Expectations are many times simply fantasy—the expectation that there will be instant intimacy, healthy communication, and no conflicts. Counselors should remind families that they are not performing “brain transplants” in treatment, simply eliminating toxic substances and helping clients’ change their patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving as the first steps in establishing a healthy lifestyle. As with the client, the family members need their own self-care plan wherein they identify both the behaviors and thinking that need to stop, and the behaviors and thinking that support recovery. They must also learn the areas that are triggers for self-defeating thoughts and behaviors and develop a way in which to address them. Family treatment will facilitate learning healthy communication skills to assist in family members’ ability to talk about the process as they engage in their newly learned ways of relating to the fact that the pain is real, but that the suffering is modifiable and optional.

Successful recovery practices for the client and family draw from many disciplines. Through mindfulness, cognitive practices, and twelve-step philosophy, families and clients can develop skills to work around the “edges” of the pain. (Kabat-Zinn, 2005) Instead of being absorbed in the search for a cure, families can learn that the solution lies with accepting the situation and the condition. Drawing from the gifts of addiction treatment, recognizing your powerlessness ultimately leads to genuine acceptance and improvement of health for the person in treatment and the family.

Kevin gradually learned about pain recovery—the process of knowing that the pain exists, will always exist, and will not kill him. Though they came from opposite directions, Kevin’s parents ultimately came to a mutual understanding and acceptance of healthy boundaries. As a consequence of Bill’s recovery work, he and Eleanor both took responsibility for their part in coping with the pain and now were better able to take responsibility for their part in establishing a healthy, interdependent relationship with one another.

By giving up the struggle, pain is lessened and suffering diminishes for the person in pain and his or her family.

References
Bufalari, Ilaria et al. “Empathy for Pain and Touch in the Human Somatosensory Cortex.” Cerebral Cortex, 17 (November 2007): 2553–2561.

Flor, Herta et al. “Conditioning: Learning that Pain Can Elicit Reward.” Presented at Society for Neuroscience Annual Meeting, Orlando, Florida, November 2–7, 2002.

Griffin, Morgan R. “Is Chronic Pain on the Rise?” Pain Management Health.
http://www.webmd.com/pain-management/features/is-chronic-pain-on-the-rise.

Kabat-Zinn, Jon. Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain and Illness. Bantam Dell, 2005.

Under the Influence: Kids of Alcoholics

2010-11-12T07:55:00.000-08:00

Dear friends,
NACoA has been working over the past year on an important program about children of alcoholics (COAs) and featuring adolescent COAs. The program promises to be enlightening and moving not only for children and youth so desperately trying to cope with parental alcohol abuse, but it will also open the eyes of people of all ages and in all kinds of families.

Premieres Sunday November 14th at 9:00pm ET/PT on Nickolodeon

For more information about the program click here: http://news.nick.com/11/2010/05/when-parents-are-alcoholics/

Difficult Family Relationships

2010-10-20T10:26:00.000-07:00

The struggle for so many recovering adults is how to interact with members of their childhood family — their parents and siblings. Cultural and family values influence the messages and feelings you received regarding family loyalty and commitment. Typically, you want to stay connected with your family. But, how do you re-enter the arena of family relationships and be true to who you are and what you believe? Your efforts may be tentative at first; you will have to learn somewhat from trial and error. Everyone's situation is unique and every individual will need to sort through these issues in a way that is comfortable to them.

It is common to hear adults express loneliness and sadness that their recovery has further alienated them from various members of the family. When a family has not developed healthy alliances, communication patterns, etc., one family member's recovery is often confusing for the non-recovering members.

Being with family members may mean having more superficial interactions — sharing the daily routine without intimacy, recreational interactions, carrying on family rituals. Traditional occasions may be one way to maintain connection to ones you love. Even superficial contact provides connection. Your choice (remember, you do have choices here) may be to choose this level of involvement over no involvement at all. Limited involvement in connection is okay.

It is helpful to know why you are engaging with family. Do you feel a sense of loyalty, duty, enjoyment, or love? People differ as to their history and values, which impact decisions about being loyal and dutiful. In spite of family pain, many people still feel love, and many people have found ways to enjoy certain family members. Or, are you still unconsciously seeking validation or approval?

It doesn't seem to matter how old we are, we all want to know that we are valued by our parents. When we don’t receive validation in our growing up years, it often becomes an even more urgent, yet usually denied, need. Unfortunately, validation and approval are not as apt to be offered by sick or unhealthy parents. They are often no more capable of offering that to us today than they were when we were children. In fact, it is more likely they are now seeking that from us. So know your expectations. And ask yourself if your expectations are realistic. Are they based on hope from seeing behavioral changes, or is it possibly a fantasy?

The holiday season is approaching and this is a time for recognizing your choices about how you spend time with family.

Present Day Relationships

2010-09-08T08:36:00.000-07:00

By creating healthier beliefs and developing new skills, you will create new ways of relating to family members with whom you were raised, and others you meet in your life — friends, co-workers, partners, husbands, wives, and children. You have choices about who you invite into your life and how you interact. Yet, you may still be confused about what creates a healthy relationship. One of the most important concepts in creating healthy relationships is to understand that relationships have different levels and purposes.

Some people are only in our lives, or we are only in theirs, to provide a practical service. For example, the bus driver's role is to see we are driven safely to a destination. The barber's role is to provide a satisfactory haircut. A co-worker's role is to develop a relationship that allows the goals of the workplace to be met. The intimacy we develop with friends and partners offers a greater sense of meaning, purpose and connectedness than our more casual and superficial relationships. I do not want to discount that we develop caring feelings toward those who work with us or provide services, but some people overwhelm others in an attempt to garner intimacy with all they meet. As a result, they often distance people in their unrealistic expectations, feel let down when others don't reciprocate, and have little intimacy with anybody. They find they have less time for those they've made commitments to and more with those whose relationship is more superficial.

The levels of adult relationships are:
Casual Involvement occurs in relationships where people interact in a casual manner and have little or no commitment to one another.
Companionship involves two persons associating for the purpose of sharing a common activity. The activity is more important than the person and the person becomes interchangeable.
Friendship is where two people associate for the purpose of mutual support and enjoyment of each other. The person is most important. The activity is secondary.
Romantic relationships are when friendship is shared with sensuality, passion, and sexuality. Romantic love is more than passion and sexuality. Passion and sexuality can be experienced in the context of casual involvement.
Committed relationships are when we commit to working on taking responsibility for our part and mutually agree to do what we say we are going to do. We trust that when there are problems, it does not mean the relationship is over. We agree to work on whatever problems arise with a mutual trust of sincerity and intent. Commitment does not mean you stay in a relationship irrespective of what may occur. At times, as people change, relationships are renegotiated. Commitments are reinforced or lessened, but when we make a commitment, we do what we can to make the relationship work, not allowing ourselves to be abused, nor allowing ourselves to give up our integrity in the process.

While it is not always reality, it is healthiest for people to move through these levels as listed. Once a relationship has moved into a romantic or committed level, the couple continues to incorporate the previous levels into their daily lives. Committed relationships incorporate casual contact from the standpoint that superficial routine is a part of daily life. For people with a troubled childhood, it is important to learn that casual contact is not abandonment. The ability to move in and out of these levels will be incorporated into a committed relationship.

As well, there can certainly be intimate moments and experiences with strangers or companions. Those who experience natural crisis at the same time, those who are witness to a beautiful scene together, may connect in a highly intimate fashion. While such moments may be fleeting in time, they may affect us for life. Those times are seldom forgotten, yet it is with our close friends, partners, and family members that we experience our greatest ongoing intimacy.

Excerpt from Changing Course

The Power of Secrets

2010-08-10T13:10:00.000-07:00

Secrets are powerful because they can control you. Very often, the problem with a secret is not the content of the secret itself, but what you must do to keep the secret information out of sight. In a family, it is the proverbial skeleton in the closet and everyone in the family is held responsible to remain on guard in case someone outside the family gets too near the closet door.

Whether secrets are passed down unbeknown to others or people actively collude to hide the information, it is fair to say that as a young child you had no choice in the matter; you were more or less coerced to keep the family secret. As an adult, you are now enforcing that secrecy on yourself. You may not be aware of it but you are the one making the choice to keep certain information away from prying eyes. The secret is just that — only information — and the choice is yours to tell it, to admit it, or to keep it hidden.

By admitting the reality of what is, you deflate the power of the secret. You can't drink away, exercise away, eat away, work away, or by any other effort rationalize away the power of the secret. The only way is to end denial, to admit, to open the closet door — that is the only way to get free.

The Emotional Injury of Distorted Boundaries

2010-06-21T09:34:00.000-07:00

Many times abandonment issues are fused with distorted, confused, or undefined personal boundaries. We experience abandonment when parents have a distorted sense of boundaries, their boundaries and ours. They want us to like what they like, dress like they dress, and feel as they do. If we in any way express differences from our parents, or make different choices than they would, we know we run the risk of rejection.

How many of us attended colleges that our parents chose for us? How many of us married who we did or when we did because that was expected or desired by our parents? Having done what our parents expected, wanted, or demanded does not mean that it was the wrong thing to do. It just means that the decision was never totally ours. Certainly, many people do exactly what their parents don’t want them to do. Often this is an attempt to be a separate person. We choose to marry the person they would like the least, or simply choose to not attend college at all. It is not the outcome that is the issue as much as it is the decision-making process. Instead of choosing freely, we make a reactive decision based in anger.

When parents hold children responsible for what should be their responsibility, they are expecting something impossible of a child. In effect, they are telling children that they have more power than they truly have, setting them up to experience futility and inadequacy.

Many times parents develop relationships with their children in which they are their friends, their peers, their equals. In doing so, they share information that is not age-appropriate for a child. Inappropriate information often creates a sense of burden, or even guilt, for children. That is not fair.

When parents are disrespectful of their children's boundaries and violate them, the message given is that they don't value the child as a person. That message becomes internalized as "I am not of value. I am not worthy." When parents don't acknowledge children's boundaries, the message they give is "You are here to meet my needs," and/or "I am more important than you," and/or "It is not okay to be your own person with individual feelings, desires, or needs." When children experience chronic abandonment with distorted boundaries, they live in fear and doubt about their worth. The greater the clarity a child has around boundaries, understanding who is responsible for what, and the greater a child's self-esteem, the more likely a child will be able to reject, rather than internalize, shameful behaviors and messages.

As children we cannot reject parents, because they are so desperately needed. Instead, we take on the burden of being wrong or bad. In doing this, we purge parents of being wrong or hurtful, which reinforces a sense of security. In essence, outer safety is purchased at the price of inner security.

What we must understand now is that our abandonment experiences and boundary violations were in no way indictments of our innate goodness and value. Instead, they revealed the flawed thinking, false beliefs, and impaired behaviors of those who hurt us. Still, the wounds were struck deep in our young hearts and minds, and the very real pain can still be felt today. The causes of our emotional injury need to be understood and accepted so we can heal. Until we do, the pain will stay with us, becoming a driving force in our adult lives.

Excerpt from Changing Course

Understanding the Pain of Abandonment

2010-06-04T10:40:00.000-07:00

When children are raised with chronic loss, without the psychological or physical protection they need and certainly deserve, it is most natural for them to internalize incredible fear. Not receiving the necessary psychological or physical protection equals abandonment. And, living with repeated abandonment experiences creates toxic shame. Shame arises from the painful message implied in abandonment: "You are not important. You are not of value.” This is the pain from which people need to heal.

For some children abandonment is primarily physical. Physical abandonment occurs when the physical conditions necessary for thriving have been replaced by:

lack of appropriate supervision
inadequate provision of nutrition and meals
inadequate clothing, housing, heat, or shelter
physical and/or sexual abuse

Children are totally dependent on caretakers to provide safety in their environment. When they do not, they grow up believing that the world is an unsafe place, that people are not to be trusted, and that they do not deserve positive attention and adequate care.

Emotional abandonment occurs when parents do not provide the emotional conditions and the emotional environment necessary for healthy development. I like to define emotional abandonment as “occurring when a child has to hide a part of who he or she is in order to be accepted, or to not be rejected.” Having to hide a part of yourself means:

it is not okay to make a mistake.
it is not okay to show feelings, being told the way you feel is not true. “You have nothing to cry about and if you don’t stop crying I will really give you something to cry about.” “That really didn’t hurt.” “You have nothing to be angry about.”
it is not okay to have needs. Everyone else’s needs appear to be more important than yours.
it is not okay to have successes. Accomplishments are not acknowledged, are many times discounted.

Other acts of abandonment occur when:

Children cannot live up to the expectations of their parents. These expectations are often unrealistic and not age-appropriate.
Children are held responsible for other people's behavior. They may be consistently blamed for the actions and feelings of their parents.
Disapproval toward children is aimed at their entire beings or identity rather than a particular behavior, such as telling a child he is worthless when he does not do his homework or she is never going to be a good athlete because she missed the final catch of the game.

Many times abandonment issues are fused with distorted, confused, or undefined boundaries such as:

When parents do not view children as separate beings with distinct boundaries
When parents expect children to be extensions of themselves
When parents are not willing to take responsibility for their feelings, thoughts, and behaviors, but expect children to take responsibility for them
When parents' self-esteem is derived through their child’s behavior
When children are treated as peers with no parent/child distinction

Abandonment plus distorted boundaries, at a time when children are developing their sense of worth, is the foundation for the belief in their own inadequacy and the central cause of their shame.

Abandonment experiences and boundary violations are in no way indictments of a child’s innate goodness and value. Instead, they reveal the flawed thinking, false beliefs, and impaired behaviors of those who hurt them. Still, the wounds are struck deep in their young hearts and minds, and the very real pain can still be felt today. The causes of emotional injury need to be understood and accepted so they can heal. Until that occurs, the pain will stay with them, becoming a driving force in their adult lives.

Excerpt from Changing Course

The Lois Wilson Story

2010-04-12T10:08:00.000-07:00

When Love is Not Enough: The Lois Wilson Story, is a new "Hallmark Hall of Fame" presentation starring Winona Ryder and Barry Pepper which will broadcast Sunday, April 25 (9:00-11:00 PM, ET/PT) on the CBS Television Network.

Spanning more than 30 years, this movie is based on the biography by William G. Borchert and is the true story of the enduring but troubled love between Lois Wilson (Ryder), co-founder of Al-Anon, and her alcoholic husband Bill Wilson (Pepper), co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I had the wonderful opportunity to meet Lois just two years prior to her death at age 97 in 1988. A representative of World Service Al-Anon took me to her home where I shared with her my children's book My Dad Loves Me My Dad Has a Disease. She had a great love for children, but was physically unable to bear her own and Bill's drinking interfered with adoption possibilities. She was a delightful woman, and most gracious. We also connected about being bicycle riders, as that day she had just gotten off her stationery bike!

Lois stuck by her husband through many years of tormented and abusive alcoholic drinking, believing that her unconditional love could get him sober. It could not. This loving and determined woman watched her husband, Bill destroy his career, his relationships and his health, checking into and out of alcoholic sanitariums as he neared the point of death and insanity. Finally through a life changing spiritual experience Bill was led to another alcoholic, Robert Smith, and together in 1935 they founded AA.

As Bill and Bob attained lasting sobriety, Lois began to question the value she had in her own marriage. After devoting 17 years to healing her sick husband, Lois felt isolated and resentful that he was sober without her help. Lois eventually discovered that she was not alone. She slowly engaged the wives of the men in Bill's program and came to realize that while Bill was addicted to alcohol, she was addicted to him - and that the family and friends of alcoholics are, in some ways, as sick as their loved ones. Lois gained the necessary understanding needed to repair her fractured relationship and to help millions of others do the same. She co-founded Al-Anon in 1951.

Al-Anon is one of the most successful forces for good in the world today. The Twelve Step programs developed by Lois and her husband are the basis for multiple self-help groups growing around the world today, from Narcotics Anonymous to Overeaters Anonymous. Al-Anon groups can be found throughout the world, where ever one lives there will be a group meeting nearby.

The story of Lois Wilson is a poignant account of her life, its impact on the recovery world and on addiction in families.

Deceived: Denial & Minimizing

2010-03-29T09:31:00.000-07:00

When as a partner of a sex addict rationalizations become weak, the tendency to minimize comes next. That only strengthens the denial. Minimizations common to those in relationships with sex addicts are:

It’s not that bad.
I’m the only one who really understands him.
He needs me ─ now more than ever.
It’s just a phase.
It’s not his fault that whore went after him; he didn’t have a chance.
I’m not that interested in sex anyway.
It could be worse. At least he is not addicted to ____ (something other than sex, i.e. alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc.)
It doesn’t matter if I don’t know everything he does.

How often have you had these thoughts?

Think about the beliefs and fears that bolster your rationalizations and minimizations. Partners of addicts share common beliefs and fears. Some of them are:

I can’t live without him.
No one else will ever love me.
I don’t deserve better.
He’s the father of my children, and they need their father.
All men are like this.
I would have to give up some of my lifestyle because there is not enough money.
My family might find out and I’d feel humiliated.
The kids might find out and I won’t know how to handle it.
I’ve never balanced a checkbook, paid bills, or paid attention to our retirement and I am not capable.
If others found out about his sexual behavior they would think I’m not a good sexual partner, because if I were, he would not stray.
If he is a sex addict, then all the good times in the past were a lie.

Does any of this sound familiar?

It’s easy to start to berate yourself, to feel like a fool. If you are beating yourself up, stop. Denying, minimizing, and rationalizing are the most natural responses to living with someone acting out an addictive disorder. Of course you want to protect yourself. You want to believe it’s not the problem it is. You want to give him the benefit of the doubt. It’s so painful to get to the truth when the reality is only he can change his behavior; you can’t do it for him. But you can honor yourself; that starts with challenging your own addictive behavior − your denial. This begins with identifying what you know and/or suspect and seeking out literature to learn more about codependency, sexual betrayal and sexual addiction. You don’t have to believe it’s addictive but be open to understanding what the addiction may look like. Pay attention to his behavior, not his words. Be willing to seek out a clinician trained in working with sexual betrayals and addiction.

Deceived: Denial & Rationalizing

2010-03-15T10:23:00.000-07:00

As a partner of a sex addict you minimize, discount, rationalize, deny, and pretend things are different than they really are because you want to trust your partner. You want to believe the relationship has a strong foundation. You want to be able to believe all is okay. That is absolutely understandable. Don’t be critical of yourself. If you see the situation for what it really is and don’t know what to do, it is natural to slide into a state of hopelessness and helplessness. The truth taps your greatest fear, that you are unloved and abandoned. You feel shame and humiliation. So as long as the addict denies or minimizes it, you can rationalize, deny, and pretend as well. The illusion of safety and security is an enticing fantasy. But in the process you quit trusting yourself, your inner voice.

Denial induces numbness. Now couple your need for denial with the fact that sex addicts are masters of misdirection. They can quickly tap into your vulnerability, and charm you or shame you right out of your distrust. His manipulations may include being charming, bullying, threatening, and playing the victim and often using the combination of any or all of those. This conduct is beyond hurtful. It’s cruel, abusive, and traumatizing. It is also a natural aspect of addictive behavior, a manipulative attempt to take the focus off of him.

Examples of denial are thinking such things as:

The pornography doesn’t really bother me, it’s only pictures.

He can’t help it if other women throw themselves at him.

Work must be his problem; if he would just change jobs.

If we move he will stop this behavior.

Your denial is supported by extensive rationalization.

Men will be men.

He is an honest person; he would not lie to me.

He’s not really staring at women; he’s just interested in watching people.

It doesn’t hurt to look at pictures (porn) – at least he is not having an affair.

It’s easier for him to be friends with women – that doesn’t mean he is having an affair.

His business takes priority over me and the kids but I understand – it’s just while he is building his career.

I must have gotten this STD from a toilet seat – he told me I couldn’t have gotten it from him.

He told me the long distance calls were not his – the phone company must have made a mistake.

Those Internet spammers are infiltrating our email with porn sites.

The police are exaggerating his behavior.

He’s such a good dad.

It's not his fault that I can’t fulfill him sexually.

I am the one he comes home to.

Does any of this sound familiar? If so, they are rationalizations that will keep you in denial.

March 2010 News Letter

2010-03-02T09:59:00.000-08:00

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Deceived: Denial In the Face of Truth

2010-03-01T12:50:00.000-08:00

Whether you are in the media, such as Elin Woods, or the unnamed spouse out of public site, yet living with chronic deception, you may ask, “How did I get to this place?” Denial is one reason, not just your partner’s denial but your denial. As partners of alcoholics frequently feel guilty for the behavior of the alcoholic − that if they were better partners, if they could just do the right thing, the alcoholic wouldn’t drink so much − partners of those who are acting out sexually nearly always believe that his behavior is a statement about themselves. They believe they must not be pretty enough, sexy enough, smart enough, thin enough, alluring enough, ample-breasted enough, long-legged enough. The list is never ending.

You probably operate from the belief, “I need to do or be something different and that will make him stop.” First and foremost you need to understand that you are not the cause of his acting out behavior. It isn’t about you being different. He engages in his activity because of his own emotional wounding that now manifests in a pathological relationship with a mood altering behavior which for him is sex.

For years partners of addicts, irrespective of the addiction, have pretended that things are different than how they really are. When the addictive behavior is sex instead of alcohol or drugs, gambling, food, etc., denial for the partner is often accelerated because of the greater degree of shame and implied messages about the person acting out and the coupleship. Partners deny in an attempt to hang on to what is really an illusion, the fantasy that all is really okay. The fact is life is out of control; the addiction is in the driver’s seat. But deny you must when you can’t see your way out. It is a form of self protection.

After hearing time after time that you have quite an imagination, or that you are the one responsible for his unhappiness, or that it’s your job to shut up and be grateful for what you have, or that you simply have trust issues, you learn to keep quiet. You keep fears and doubts to yourself while your self esteem erodes away.

Simply put, denial is dismissing your own intuition. It is blatantly overlooking what is right in front of you. Often there are clear indicators that you have a serious problem but you may choose not to see it. Denial stems from a yearning to believe that all will be fine or that all will return to how it was before this acting out behavior reared its ugly head.

Do not chastise yourself for your denial but learn from it. It is a natural response to hurt and loss. Unfortunately it only perpetuates your situation and your pain in the long run. For your own well being it is critical you recognize the many ways you’ve rationalized. That is a start in stopping this well practiced defense.

Conway Hunter Award

2010-02-26T08:16:00.000-08:00

At the SECAD Conference held February 21-24 in Nashville I received the prestigious 2010 Conway Hunter Society Award for service of excellence in the field of addictions. Here I am with Eileene and John McRae of the Conway Hunter Society.
The award is a big, round gold medal and it was so heavy, I had to take it off. I felt like I was at the Olympics!

Children of Addiction

2010-02-08T13:25:00.000-08:00

Thirty years ago I began working with children impacted by addiction in the family. Addiction in the family is a legacy that continues to thrive, although today we have a much better understanding of how children are influenced when raised with the chaos and fear that permeate an addictive family. Yesterday I was confronted with issues of children on two fronts. I was working in a treatment facility in their four day family program and had the opportunity to work with some children of clients - a 15 year old, 17 year old and 23 year old. These young adults were aware of how their lives were negatively impacted via their relationships with others, their own use of drugs, and how fear in general was influencing their decisions about many aspects of their lives. Then while sitting in an airport, I received a call from a desperate mother wanting to know what she should do as her husband, in an alcoholic fury, had just hit their preteen age son. These are just four of the estimated 27.8 million children in the U.S. affected by or exposed to a family alcohol problem. This number does not include those affected by or exposed to other drug problems.

These children are at increased risk for a range of problems, including physical illness, emotional disturbances, behavioral problems, lower educational performance and susceptibility to alcoholism or other addictions later in their life.

It doesn’t have to be this way. Through our churches, schools, other community venues, and online social networking sites there is an opportunity to advocate for these vulnerable children who are not in a position to advocate for themselves.

Children living with addiction in their family, be it an addicted parent, sibling or other relative, need to know that the addiction and the resulting behavior is not their fault. They need to hear the message that they did not cause it nor can they control it. They need to hear they are not alone. Most importantly they need to hear there are people they can talk to, adults in their school, their church or synagogue, a friend’s parent, an extended family member, etc. As concerned family and community members and helping professionals we need to recognize the role we can play in these children’s lives.

Now is the time to be willing to rise to the occasion. Sunday February 14th through Saturday February 20th is Children of Alcoholics Week 2010, a week dedicated to bringing awareness to the needs of these children. NACoA, the National Association for Children of Alcoholics has a wealth of free information about children, and even more so about resources and ways for you to become involved this week and in the future. ACO week can be about you educating and creating greater numbers of people who reach out and let children know they are available to them and they will understand.

It is my hope we all recognize that we are in a position to impact these children not just this one week but for 365 days a year.

Christmas Message 1944

2009-12-04T08:07:00.000-08:00

A part of my year end ritual is going through the stacks of paper on my very large desk. I would like to say it is paper that accumulates throughout the year, but in some cases certain papers just seem to stay there for a few years. They are like sacred jewels I am afraid to part with and I found something I thought you might find fun to read. It was a 1944 Christmas message from Bill W., one of the two cofounder’s of Alcoholics Anonymous.

To all AA members
Greetings on our 10th Christmas, 1944. Yes, its' in the air! The spirit of Christmas once more warms this poor distraught world. Over the whole globe millions are looking forward to that one day when strife can be forgotten, when it will be remembered that all human beings, even the least, are loved by God, when men will hope for the coming of the Prince of Peace as they never hoped before. But there is another world which is not poor. Neither is it distraught. It is the world of Alcoholics Anonymous, where thousands dwell happily and secure. Secure because each of us, in his own way, knows a greater power who is love, who is just, and who can be trusted. Nor can men and women of AA ever forget that only through suffering did they find enough humility to enter the portals of that New World. How privileged we are to understand so well the divine paradox that strength rises from weakness, that humiliation goes before resurrection; that pain is not only the price but the very touchstone of spiritual rebirth. Knowing its full worth and purpose, we can no longer fear adversity, we have found prosperity where there was poverty; peace and joy have sprung out of the very midst of chaos. Great indeed our blessings! And so Merry Christmas to you all - from the Trustees, from Bobbie and from Lois and me.
Bill Wilson

As the holiday season approaches, I encourage you to practice self-care. This means knowing your limitations, such as setting appropriate limits and boundaries regarding the amount of time, topic of conversations, or places of gatherings with family. It means knowing and acting on your triggers ─ where you shouldn’t be and what you shouldn’t be doing. It means asking for help whether or not you think you need it. This is a time not just for giving but also graciously receiving. Keep realistic expectations and let go of the shoulds. If you participate in a Twelve Step program, keep up your meetings and telephone contacts. Do something physical. Physical movement relieves tension and promotes a feeling of well being. And make some quiet time for yourself and let yourself just be in the moment.

Deceived

2009-10-30T13:25:00.000-07:00

The Good Wife, starring Julianna Margulies and Chris Noth has captured the attention of many TV viewers due to both the talent of the actors as well as the content. The writers have captured many of the subtle nuances experienced by both the person who acts out and the partner. Having worked with individuals and couples impacted by sexual duplicity, and writing Deceived specifically for partners, I’ve been following this show closely.

Today in every neighborhood throughout every community, people are being challenged by the addictive nature of their partner’s sexual behavior. For Alicia on The Good Wife, her husband’s sexual acting out was made public through the media. While they had been married several years she had not suspected his behavior. For others, it may be the young bride who just discovered her husband was with another woman within days of their wedding. It could be the mother of two young children whose boyfriend has just lost his job due to engaging in Internet sex during work hours, or the partner who has masked her shame and confusion about her husband’s chronic pornographic activity, and is now horrified at the thought that her children are going to find out. It may be the man who recently discovered hidden computer files of sexually explicit photos his girlfriend has been emailing to a great number of men. It could be the wife of 40 years, husband soon to retire, who has known about his affairs from the beginning of their marriage; there’s nothing particularly different about the current affair that she just discovered; it’s just the ‘straw that breaks the camel’s back.’

Influenced by both culture and family, my professional experience tells me that coaddictive behavior was well learned long before their partner came into their life. As much as the socialization and empowerment of women in Western industrialized culture has changed, women are still more apt to defer to men by giving them the benefit of the doubt; take on false guilt, believe they need a man to be okay, prioritize his needs over their own, acquiesce, be polite, refrain from showing anger, feel inadequate about their sexuality, and have a distorted and shame based body image

Yet this socialization of women, by itself, is not the strongest factor in their coupling with a sex addict. For both men and women far more influential is their family history. Whether or not the writers of the Good Wife get to this depth, looking at family history and dynamics will be significant in the healing process for those in the real world. It’s critical to examine the beliefs developed about themselves and others, the ways learned to experience connection and/or protect self, and the behaviors that helped to garner esteem.

The behaviors and belief systems of both partners and those who act out sexually in repetitive ways are strongly influenced by individual childhood experiences. It is common that one or both parents were addicts themselves, alcoholics or sex addicts in particular. It may not have been called addiction, but they often say their father was a womanizer, or their mother had lots of affairs, drank a lot, etc. There may have been a history of extreme parental rigidity, strict all-or-nothing parental codes. Messages about sex were shaming or distorted, creating confusion as a child.

Trauma Repetition
Kate was raised in an alcoholic and violent family. She is divorced from two different alcoholic men, and is now married to an active sex addict. Her husband has had multiple relationships with other women and now he is flagrantly acting out in a manner that she cannot totally deny. She knows he visits pornographic bookstores, but on a recent visit he had their four year old son with him. Yet she still had the ability to rationalize. He is stressed by our two young children. He wouldn’t do this if he wasn’t on drugs. She would deliberately not ask questions. If she didn’t ask, then it was as if she wouldn’t have to know. She wouldn’t ask for help, because as she said − I just need him to stop. She wouldn’t assert any limits because her fear is he would leave her. In ultimate desperation she found herself left alone in a hotel room with a baby just a few weeks old and a four-year-old, no car, no food and no money while he went to get more drugs and meet up with a girlfriend; and she just wanted him back.

Kate didn’t get to this place overnight. Her childhood history was her training ground long before she entered any of her three addictive relationships. Dysfunction ruled her original family. As a child, she learned to:

Overlook (deny, rationalize, minimize) behavior which hurt her deeply
Appear cheerful when she was hurting
Make excuses for the hurtful behavior
Avoid conflict to minimize further anger
Tolerate inappropriate and hurtful behavior
Prioritize the needs of others over her own
Caretake others
Fault herself for her family’s problems
Discount her own perceptions, give others the benefit of the doubt
Believe she had no options available
Believe she is at fault, it is her job to find the answers
Not ask for help
Accommodate

She was reared to be the perfect candidate for partnering with an addict, one whose codependent traits enable him to act out his behavior with little disruption.

While the names change, the stories of repetitively partnering with an addict are common and span generations. What Kate and other coaddicts experience is referred to as trauma repetition. Trauma repetition means you create behaviors and situations similar to those you experienced earlier in life. You are reliving a story out of your painful history. Replaying your past trauma is often repeating what you know, the familiar.

I've joined the Central Recovery Treatment team

2009-09-11T09:21:00.000-07:00

I am extremely pleased to announce that I have begun a new chapter in my professional life with Las Vegas Recovery Center, (LVRC) a subsidiary of Central Recovery, as their Senior Clinical and Family Services Advisor. LVRC is a private, free-standing chemical dependency and chronic pain facility established in 2003. I encourage you to look at their website. The center specializes in providing services for those suffering from chronic pain and abuse/dependence on drugs. It addresses this complex situation with a comprehensive opioid-free rehab program. The team at LVRC is both professional and passionate in their work. All of their programs are individually tailored to the needs of each client.

I’ve also taken a position as Senior Editorial Advisor for Central Recovery Press (CRP). This is a young, progressive publishing house addressing issues of addiction and recovery. As my relationship develops I’ll share more with you as to what this entails for me. As my first contribution, I wrote the foreword for a kid’s book. CRP already has two books for children who have a parent in treatment. Examples of other books would be Recovery A to Z: A Handbook of Twelve-Step Key Terms and Phrases, and one of their most recent, Pain Recovery: How to Find Balance and Reduce Suffering for Chronic Pain that speaks to a substance-free way to live with chronic pain and minimize suffering.

Responding to questions about Elizabeth Edwards

2009-07-14T11:59:00.000-07:00

Elizabeth Edwards...

Is she a victim?
She has been hurt, betrayed, and deceived. In that light she has been victimized, but she does not have to stay in that position. When she trusts her own intuition and is willing to believe her own instincts, versus the words of her husband, she moves out of the victim position.

Why does she stay in the marriage?
As she says, it is complicated. It's so easy for outsiders to say, leave. Her children, shared history, religious beliefs and certainly her illness influence her decision to stay. Her staying may also be the decision she has made for now and could change depending on her health and his behavior. Women more often stay in light of infidelity; men are more apt to leave. A woman's identity is more connected to having this relationship.

Was it wise for them to talk openly with their children?
It was the only prudent decision they could make because of the public disclosure. They offered what is referred to as a shared disclosure, sharing that the marriage was in difficulty, there was an infidelity and they were working together to work things out. Children need reinforcement that their lives are stable.

How could she go on the road with him after the public exposure?
She was still in shock and there are so many decisions after a surprise and public disclosure that at the time she was most likely trying to keep her family life as stable as possible.
Was it healthy for her to do that? No not necessarily, but human.

Would it be helpful for her to know the paternity of the other woman’s child?
To not know helps her stay in denial about the seriousness of the problem.

She acts like he has this problem to deal with, can she just forget this?
That would be cheap forgiveness, forsaking her own integrity and self-respect to just forget this. The public is not aware of her true thoughts about her cancer, and it is possible all of her energy is more focused on attending to her cancer and her children.

Deceived: Facing Sexual Betrayal, Lies & Secrets

2009-04-22T09:10:00.000-07:00

Deceived: Facing Sexual Betrayal, Lies, and Secrets is my newest book in which I offer women in relationships plagued by sexual betrayal the care and guidance to create a new path of clarity, direction, and confidence. I show them how to proactively emerge from emotional isolation, shed secrets and shame, and discover their power to incite positive change in their relationships.
Deceived is available at my website

Question:
I'm in a support group for women whose boyfriends or husbands are acting out sexually. As I listen to other's stories and their feelings of anger, sadness, and resentment, I wonder what's wrong with me. More than anything, I'm just tired and numb. Shouldn't I be feeling something more?

Answer:
The challenge with letting go when you're at the end of your rope is that you quickly get in touch with deeper feelings. For women like you, the depth of your pain and anguish or fear may be so profound that you don't know how you will survive. The breadth of anger you feel is so pervasive you are convinced you won’t have any self-control. The natural response is to scramble for any type of control. Think of the adage, "To make lemonade out of a lemon is great, but to refuse to acknowledge the lemon ever existed is denial,"--denial of yourself and your experiences. It is when you own and accept your feelings--whether you feel irritated, fearful, sad, humiliated, or joyous--that you will be able to embrace life, to move forward. To be whole you need to be able to access a range of feelings. Part of your recovery is learning to identify a wide scope of feelings and then learning the healthy expression of those feelings. The following are some initial suggestions to begin this process of owning your feelings:

Journal. Carry a notebook with you. Throughout the day, or at a specific time every day, write about what you've been feeling.

Create a feelings list. Make a list of feelings and carry it with you. Bring it out three times daily and ask yourself what you have been feeling.
For example:

I am feeling guilty about_______.
I am feeling sad about ________.
I am feeling afraid about ________.
I am feeling angry about _________.
I am feeling embarrassed about _______.

Share what you are feeling with someone you trust.

Affirm your emotional self. Identify two affirmations that will support you in acknowledging your feelings. For example: "I have the right to my feelings" and "My feelings help me identify my needs."

Breathe deeply. People close off their feelings when they take shallow breaths. Check your breathing throughout the day and particularly at times of vulnerability. Take a deep breath in for three seconds, exhale slowly for three seconds; repeat five times. In time expand this to five seconds, five times.

Learning to own your feelings won't be easy because you have probably spent a lifetime not being safe with your feelings. It is likely that you gleaned your understanding of what to do with your feelings from people who denied them, people who contradicted your perception of reality and generally could not express positive or negative feelings in healthy ways. That modeling then became reinforced in your relationship with someone who sexually acts out. He is not there to listen, to validate, or to offer support. In fact he most often discounts, ignores, and denies your feelings. He rages in anger or walks away in silence. He tells you there is no reason for you to feel the way you do. It’s possible he tells you that not only do you have no reason to be fearful, angry, or sad, but in fact you should be grateful. With so many previous negative experiences, it is likely you have a lot of fears of what would happen should you show feelings.
Fears such as:

Others won't like me.
People are going to be able to see how bad I am.
I'll be seen as weak, and that is bad.
People will tell me I have no reason to feel this way.
I will be out of control, and that is not okay.
I will be vulnerable to getting hurt.
People will take advantage of me.

You may be at a stage where you have difficulty expressing your feelings because you have difficulty identifying them. You may not recognize anger as you stand with your fists clenched and arms tightly folded. I have worked with women who had tears rolling down their faces, and when asked what they were feeling, they didn’t know. Many coaddicts smile broadly through their fear, humiliation, and anger.

Feelings are cues that signal what you need. If you pay attention to your feelings, you will become more adept at knowing your needs. Feelings also help you determine the boundaries you need to set to provide security for yourself. They are your signals to comfort, safety, discomfort, and danger. A mark of recovery is the ability to know what you feel when you feel it; to be comfortable with your emotional self, and then determine whether or not and with whom you share feelings.

Parenting Under the Influence

2009-02-16T11:35:00.000-08:00

In this rapidly changing world, there’s one thing that never changes: we all want to make sure that our kids grow up healthy, happy, and most of all, capable of dealing with life in the 21st century. How can we, as parents, educators and care-givers help them?

I recently took part in a TVOParents.com webcast panel discussion on the ways that drug and alcohol abuse affect children.

In “Parenting Under the Influence” myself and co-panelists Christine Sloss and Steve Hall discuss issues such as:

When does parental substance use become a problem?
How many substance abusers are parents?
What is life like for kids of substance abusers?
How does parental substance abuse affect kids’ learning?

Visit the TVOParents.com website to view the webcastalong with my list of indications that a child may be living with family substance abuse.

TVOParents.com, is a community resource for advice, news, interactive tools, and the latest educational research. It’s all designed to help you help your kids succeed in learning, and in life. TVOParents.com brings together parents, care-givers, and education experts in a welcoming, online community.

Disclosure to Children

2009-01-06T11:27:00.000-08:00

What and how should children be told of their parent’s sexually addictive behavior? How does disclosure impact the parent-child relationship? Do children want to be told, and if so, what age is appropriate for the disclosure? Are there protective factors, such as a therapist’s presence, that promote healthy disclosure? How much information should be shared?

Keeping a secret is like sitting on a time bomb. Powerful events initiate the need to keep a secret, but once kept, the secret itself becomes an explosive device. When and where will the explosion take place? Will it happen in my home with all my family present, in front of the media, in the courtroom, or in my mind? Can I escape the explosion, move to some other place in the world, or into some other place in my mind? And will I survive the explosion?

Addiction professionals have long recognized that addiction flourishes in isolation and secrecy. It is a common therapeutic belief that secrets not only interfere with recovery; they preclude the possibility of recovery, or fuel relapse. The questions remain: who is the recipient of the disclosure, how much is disclosed, and when does it occur?

For the addict, disclosure: reinforces accountability in recovery; reinforces honesty with others and self; and facilitates the letting go of shame. Most sex addiction professionals believe disclosure is beneficial to the addict, their spouse and the “couple-ship.” Truth telling is an important step in restoring trust.
Such disclosure has the potential to:

Allow for an adult-to-adult relationship on an equal basis;
Empower the spouse/partner with truth;
Give the spouse/partner the ability to make healthy choices based on the truth;
Allow the spouse/partner to embrace recovery; and
Break the addictive system.

Disclosure to children regarding sexually addictive behavior is undoubtedly a situation that no parent wants to anticipate or face. Yet, for the health of the family, there needs to be a time and manner in which to discuss sexual behavior. In reality we live in a highly sexualized culture. Children are bombarded with sexual messages through the media, television, music, and the Internet. With so much cultural shame attached to sexuality, sex has become a major source of acting out behavior. When sexual addiction exists within a family, the need to dialogue about sexuality surfaces earlier than parents would have chosen, but the disclosure can be looked at as an opportunity for children to gain an awareness of what is healthy sexuality and intimacy.

Children Know
Prior to disclosure, children knew of their parent’s behavior or they suspected it. Parents seldom want to share their secrets with their children. They want to protect their children from pain. Yet many children knew, suspected, or would learn of their parent’s acting-out behavior. As much as parents wish to protect children from their own mistakes or hurtful behaviors, keeping secrets does not provide the sought after protection.

I was surprised that my mother was not aware that I knew. I carried this secret with me my entire adolescence and no one knew!

I knew. I had read my father’s diary. It was quite a shock. I told my best friend, but I never told anyone else.

I can’t be totally honest about anything anymore because I am bound to keep his secret. So a good part of my life is a big fat lie now.

Sure I would rather have not known about any of this. I don’t think any of us who have had this experience want to know this stuff. But that is impossible because in my case I was living in a house with two addicts, my father a sex addict and my mother addicted to him.

I don’t know which part is the most unfair, that he is doing what he does or that he doesn’t know I am like the fair princess who has to keep the knight’s honor clean.

Children’s Reactions
At the time of the disclosure, many experienced anger: anger for the pain caused to the other parent, anger for the embarrassment, but predominantly, anger over their lives having been turned upside down.

I felt like I wanted to punch them. But I just sat there.

They were often fearful of the financial ramifications.

My dad was going on about his being a sex addict and treatment and steps and other stuff that I could care less about and the word bankruptcy came up because at the time we were being sued, and that really struck a chord with me. What did that mean for me? Would I lose my bike?

For many children the term “sex addiction” created a picture of their parent being a pervert or a child molester. They frequently found themselves in fear of a parent whom they had previously trusted.

I felt sick, horrified. What are other people going to think? Can I be left home alone with him?

Confusion was a predominant feeling about the impact the behavior would have on the child or their family.

I was only seven! I was too little to understand. And now we had to move, and I had to leave my friends. That is what I understood. The last thing I needed was to feel different from other kids.

I was really too young (eleven). I didn’t know much about sex and it was foreign. I really couldn’t imagine my dad doing the things he did and that was hard for me.

This made my relationship with my dad very awkward when I didn’t find it that way before. I felt very uncomfortable being left alone with him.

Children often acted compliant or even reached out to emotionally take care of their parent(s).

I knew my dad was feeling forced to tell me. If he didn’t tell me, my stepmother would. She was really angry and was divorcing him. He was crying and so embarrassed, I didn’t know what to do or feel, mostly I felt sorry for him. He really was my only safe parent, and I knew what he did was suppose to be bad, but how could I be angry? I was more scared I would lose him.

I felt like I had to defend and protect my father.

While some children were shocked and confused, some found immediate relief.

I was initially so shocked, my stomach kind of dropped. I had this dialogue going on inside. I can’t believe I am hearing this. It just blew me away and at the same time incredible relief, wow.

Some children experienced immediate validation. There were reasons they had lived with the confusion, anger, and mixed messages.

I was not crazy. I had known all along!

I think a lot of parents think that their kids don’t know. I think that is a huge mistake. We know almost everything our parents’ do. We aren’t stupid. We may not know exactly what it is but we know enough to wonder why our parents are doing this. I think disclosure is a good thing.

Rationale for Disclosure
Why do we tell children? There are four pertinent reasons to disclose to children.

1) Validation: Disclosure validates what they know. Having their unspoken perceptions validated takes away the “craziness” of knowing but not knowing. It diminishes the additional shame and anxiety that comes with secrecy.

2) Exposure: Children will find out. Others who know will tell them, such as a parent, a sibling, someone in the community, the media, or another source. Thoughtful disclosure can be offered in a healthy manner to counteract a mean spirited, or otherwise simply thoughtless act.

3) Safety: If a parent has engaged in sexual behavior with young people, and the child lives in the addict’s home, or visits the addict, the child needs to be educated on how to protect themselves and what to do in case of a suspected or known behavior. If a child’s safety is threatened, he or she may be better able to protect him or herself if they have prior knowledge of the behavior. Children need to know they are not at fault if an act or behavior occurs. The departments of social and health services within the states and the courts are often involved at this stage and it may be that visiting is not allowed or allowed only with supervision. It is always the responsibility of adults to protect the interests and welfare of the children.

4) Breaking generational cycle: Addictive behavior is a cycle that repeats itself generationally. To be able to discuss the addiction honestly, to offer an understanding of addiction and recovery sets the stage for the potential of the cycle to not be repeated.

Appropriate Age
At what age is disclosure most appropriate? Ideally, a minimum age of mid-adolescence. If the children are pre- or early adolescent, the issues of the child’s safety or exposure to the information via another avenue are the strongest reasons to talk to them. It is my bias that even though pre- and early adolescents say they were aware, developmentally they need a greater belief in the stability of the family. It is the child’s own sense of security that is most challenged at this moment. To have sexual data about their parent prior to mid-adolescence is too confusing for them to be able to derive positive meaning or value from having that information. Certainly maturity varies greatly and the professional involved needs to assess the maturity level. By mid-adolescence, as much as children don’t want to be told, being told validates their knowing and they can better cope with the information.
There is no negating the difficulty of the decision to disclose. There are times when a pre-adolescent’s behavior may be the greatest indicator of the need to disclose. They may be acting-out confusion, fear, or anger in aggressive or otherwise destructive ways; they may demonstrate sexual behavior premature to their development (e.g., a nine-year-old hiding pornographic magazines). They may be repetitively asking questions that point to some knowledge on their part (e.g., “Is Dad still working late with that woman again?”).

Healthy Disclosure
While there is no ideal situation, the following criteria support a healthy environment for disclosure to children.

Disclosure is facilitated with a clinician or therapist
Both parents are present and participatory
Both parents are in agreement to disclose to the children
Both parents articulate why this is important and of value to the child
Both parents have strategized and agreed upon what is and is not disclosed
Parents speak for themselves. The addict and co-addict each speak about their own behavior
The addicts speaks in generalities about addictive behavior, not specific details
Parents display signs of recovery
Neither parent takes on the role of victim
Child is not used as a confidant
Parents are clear that it is not the child’s responsibility to fix or take care of their parents’ needs. It is very easy for the child to become caught in a triangle of choosing sides and then reacting on behalf of the person or one who is perceived to be the victim-parent at the moment
An ongoing openness for dialogue and discussion with a clinician is demonstrated
Set the tone for the child to know he or she can discuss it with you as they need to or as you believe it is appropriate. To say or imply, “We’ll talk about this today and never again talk about it” reinforces the shame of disclosure and the behavior. Disclosure is not a one-time process.

Historically the disclosure process to children has been the sexually addicted parent sharing information about their behavior. It is my belief that the co-sex addict also has a role in the disclosure process. While this is not a time for an educational presentation on coaddiction, children frequently want to know how long the coaddict has known, how he or she is feeling, and if a divorce is imminent. Their main concern is how their life will be affected.
Upon hearing disclosure, most adolescents and certainly pre-adolescents don’t understand addiction even when it is explained to them and, consequently, are more concerned with the sense of emotional betrayal. Children want to hear and feel hope, thus, it is the responsibility of parents and helping professionals to reassure children that the adults are handling and taking control of this painful situation.

Basic Rule: Parents must exercise caution whenever they intend to disclose sensitive information to children. Always consider what is best for the child. Whether or not a child asks directly, there are crucial questions that need to be answered.

What Does it Mean to be a Sex Addict?
The word addiction or compulsivity doesn’t make sense to most children. It is important that the parent share how engaging in the addictive behavior was about garnering control and power to overcome feelings of powerlessness, responding to unhealthy anger, medicating and anesthetizing pain, or bolstering self-esteem. Addiction is when someone engages in behaviors repetitively in spite of negative consequences. Children can be told how denial and rationalizations are used to maintain the behavior; or how the need for power, to control, to medicate emotional pain, or to bolster esteem became greater than anything else.

Examples of actual behavior in child sensitive language might be:

I was unfaithful to your mom/dad and our marriage vows.
I was having extramarital affairs.
I have been engaging in sexual behavior that is wrong (such as…).

These explanations might be used for a mature early adolescent and mid-adolescent.
The following examples are brief but often sufficient explanations of sexual activities.

Pornography: looking at sexually explicit pictures of people or behavior in magazines, videos, the Internet
Voyeurism: viewing people unknowingly who are undressed or are being sexual
Compulsive masturbation: frequently touching one’s own genitals to a state of arousal. (Note: Parents and professionals need to use caution to not distort what is healthy adolescent sexual behavior. Key to differentiating unhealthy and healthy masturbation is when it is used as a response to anger or pain, used to medicate, dissociate, or results in physical self-harm.)
Extramarital affairs: being sexual with someone other than your spouse/partner
Exhibitionism: exposing yourself sexually unexpectedly to unwilling people

When children ask for specific details, such as whom, where, or when, it is advisable to say that this is information shared only with their other parent unless the answer has a direct impact on them (the children). An example in which the need for greater detail could be indicated would be when it explains the reasons the family is moving as the sexual behavior was with the next-door neighbor. Or, the reason the family is not seeing a certain relative this holiday is because the sexual behavior was with a relative.

I suggest the parent connect the addictive behavior to the consequences for the family by describing the impact on the child. Is the child impacted by financial consequences, the possibility of marital separation, divorce, the changing of schools and friendships, or possibly public exposure? For example, as a consequence of the behavior:

I wasn’t home spending time with you.
When home, I was preoccupied.
I spent what was family money on non-family activities.
There are legal problems that are public and create embarrassment for the family.
I have not been available to model healthy sexual or relationship behavior.
There have been arguments at home because I’ve been dishonest with your mother/father.

Do You Still Love Mom or Dad? Does Mom or Dad Still Love You?
Children want to know how the parents feel towards each other. These may be difficult questions to answer. While the answer may be a clear yes, if this is not a reality, a parent might say, “Right now your (other parent) is very angry and is questioning how she or he feels.” Or, “I do not know how I feel at this time.” The parents need to have empathy and be sensitive to the child.

Do You Still Love Me? Did I Do Something Wrong?
Children need to be reassured that they are loved and that whatever happens between mom and dad, they will always love them. Children need to understand that this is not about them or their behavior.

How Does This Affect My Life?
The parent must be honest and tell the child what he or she knows. The greatest concern is usually whether or not their parents will remain together. Perhaps there will be a temporary separation. Perhaps the parents will be home more often and more involved in their life. If the parent is not sure of what may happen for the family the uncertainty may be expressed, and then the parent needs to commit to tell the child when they do know.
Other concerns may be: Are there things they can or cannot talk about at home? Are there television shows or movies they can or cannot watch? Are there any restrictions regarding going places or seeing certain people? Can they ask more questions if they arise?

Who Else Knows?
It is important to discuss who else knows. The disclosure itself does not have to become the “family secret.” Recovery is not about replacing one secret with another. Recovery is demonstrating healthy boundaries and discriminating with whom one does and does not share. If others know, prepare children with an honest response to questions and remarks of others.

Can I Tell any of my Friends?
Anticipate this question. Parents are encouraged to support children in their own support system that may be one or two close friends, a counselor, or another trusted adult. If the child needs to keep what you have told them a secret, you need to seriously question any disclosure.

Are You Sorry?
Children need to hear that both the addict and the co-addict are sorry for their individual acting-out behavior.

What are You Doing so it Won’t Happen Again?
Children need to hear of the recovery plans of their parents, as individuals and as a couple. What are the parents willing to do for the relationship, the family, and for recovery? Children need to have reasons to be hopeful.
When children were asked to offer feedback to improve the disclosure process, they commented:

A little humility would have made me feel better about my dad. He really let Mom do most of the talking.

Not so much detail.

My step mom went crazy, she shouldn’t have been so angry in front of us.

More resources like reading material about sex addiction.

Questions should be accepted, even welcomed so the family unit can face the problem in its entirety.

Disclosure would have been better had their been help for what his behavior did to us, rather than everything being centered around his recovery.

A qualified therapist present would make the disclosure much easier.

A counselor who didn’t just work with my dad.

I should have been taken to counseling again when I got a couple years older.

Disclosure opens up the process for a multitude of feelings. At the time of the disclosure and after, parents and clinicians need to be willing and available to listen and validate those feelings. This may be very painful for parents, but is a necessary part of healing for the family. As an adult child said, “Truth, even if in very small pieces, can lighten the load. Shame is a burden we as children should not have to bear.”

Parents do not want to cause their children pain, but that possibility was lost in the act of the addiction. The parents must forgive themselves for their behavior, move on in recovery, and learn greater recovery skills. Those recovery skills begin with honesty to one’s self and then to appropriate others. They cannot change the past addictive behavior but they can influence their children by example in their recovery practices. If the commitment to changing the family system does not exist, disclosure alone will not break this addiction cycle. Changing the family system begins with the parent’s individual commitment to recovery. Then, at the appropriate time, disclosing secrets to children is effective in breaking the generational cycle.

It is in recovery that adults will find the strength to be the parent their children need them to be. It is likely the parents will always feel sad their children have been exposed to addiction, and that their behavior has caused them pain. It is normal for parents to be concerned and fearful of the consequences for their children. With support from others in recovery and with the guidance of skilled helping professionals, parents can do their part by taking responsibility and being accountable to their children. Then, as they say in Twelve Step language, there comes a time to “let go, and let God.”

Triggers

2008-12-08T13:32:00.000-08:00

Triggers are specific memories, behaviors, thoughts and situations that jeopardize recovery - signals you are entering a stage that brings you closer to a relapse. The process is much like riding a roller coaster that loops over itself. Once the roller coaster car gets to a certain spot in the track, a threshold is met, there is no turning back, and it starts the downward loop.

Just as gravity has a motivating effect on a roller coaster, brain chemistry has a similar effect motivating triggers. When people use substances or engage in escape behaviors the brain releases neurotransmitters such as adrenaline and dopamine that trigger the brain’s pleasure/reward center; or it may release serotonin which lessens anxiety and depression. With repetition of the drugs alcohol, or other addictive behavior, the brain’s reward center overrides the cognitive, rational thinking part of itself. Brain scans show that when using or engaged, there are reduced levels of activity in what is called the prefrontal cortex. This is the part of the brain where rational thought could override impulsive behavior. But addiction hijacks the brain. The reward, pleasure center holds captive the thinking center. Science also indicates that stress alters the way we think. Parts of the brain that help us problem solve shut down at times of stress fueling impulsive behavior.

It is very likely you have heard your husband, wife, partner, mother, father, your boss, a friend, your attorney or even a judge say, “What were you thinking?” The answer is − you weren’t thinking.
The science of addiction indicates that the inability to recognize the impact of your behavior, the willingness to risk what is significant in your life, and in this case the quick lapse into old behaviors in spite of good intentions appears to be connected to brain chemistry.

The good news is to know that the brain has plasticity to it. That means in treatment and recovery practices you can learn skills to calm the emotional responses and reactivity area of the brain. You can learn to avoid triggers that activate the emotional area of the brain, and you can learn to enhance the decision making area of the brain so you can rationally think through decisions rather than respond impulsively and from such a strong emotional basis. But it takes time for the brain to be rewired, and it gets rewired with the repetition of practicing new skills and new ways of thinking, hence the reason we so strongly urge ongoing involvement in aftercare and other support systems.

Will power alone is not a defense against a relapse. Recovery is achieved, maintained and enjoyed through a series of actions. Learn to identify your triggers and with each one identify a plan that anticipates and deescalates the power of the trigger. With that your reward is another day of sobriety with endless possibilities.

Five common triggers are:
1. Romanticizing the Behaviors
Romanticizing involves a tunnel focus only on the positive feelings you associate with the behavior, it is glamorizing using behaviors and in the moment totally forgetting about the negative consequences.
When I get overwhelmed about my life today, I find myself calling a few old buddies and reminiscing about the 'good old times.' Well let me tell you about those times - I was young, married with two kids, and my wife was unhappy with me because I wasn’t keeping a job while she was working two. I was doped up a lot and would get on my motorcycle and take off for days at a time, lost in my drugs. I wasn’t responsible or accountable to anyone. I was just into me. So now, in recovery, it is scary to realize I am accountable to my two kids and to my girlfriend today. It’s depressing to look at the financial mess I made as a result of my drinking and using, so I go back into moments of glorifying the old times to forget about the fears I have about how to handle my responsibilities.

Getting overwhelmed at times is to be expected, but it’s very easy to slip into romanticizing without any insight as to how you got there and at that moment you enter a slippery zone, touching the trigger. While romanticizing is in and of itself a trigger, it is often in tandem with an external trigger such as noises, sights, sounds or even tastes. You could be watching a movie and the next thing you know it is depicting the power of alcohol, drugs and sex in a positive way and you are off into romanticizing. Or you’re listening to the radio and an advertisement for a drug comes on, and you think about your pain pills as the commercial goes on to tell you how much better you’ll feel, and off you go. Or you’re watching a ball game on TV and as you watch you can almost smell the popcorn and peanuts and you see the spectators drinking large cups of beer and everyone is smiling like it’s only a good time.

Take a few moments to think about how you romanticize your addictive behavior. What do you find yourself thinking about? What is the romanticizing covering up? What are you forgetting to take into account?

2. Feelings
Addicts have used their behaviors and substances for years to separate from their emotional states. And there is so much to feel about—guilt for how your behavior has hurt others; sadness for your losses; anger with yourself; fear of what is in front of you; shame for thinking you are inadequate, not worthy. You can act out in response to every feeling imaginable.

Any person or situation can trigger threatening feelings. You are upset when you realize your friends are reluctant to include you on a weekend outing because you created a scene last time. You want the people you work with to like you but you are anxious that you will be rejected, or not welcomed. Your sister won’t let you baby sit her kids anymore and you feel guilty, sad and angry. You just met with your ex-wife and you walk away angry, like always when you see her. You are working hard in your recovery and you know you are doing pretty good but it still isn’t easy to have these feelings and not be reactive. You lessen or get rid of feelings when you own them, talk about them, or in some cases engage in problem solving. It is when you try to divert, ignore, and numb that you get into trouble. Feelings are a part of the human condition and you can’t escape them, so the goal is to learn how to tolerate the feelings. Recovery is the ability to tolerate your feelings without the need to medicate, engage in self-destructive or self-defeating behaviors and thoughts.

Recognize the gifts that come with feelings. Feelings are cues and indicators telling you what you need. Loneliness tells you in your humanness you need connection, fear can offer you protection, sadness offers growth, guilt is your conscious, offering direction for amends. It is critical for you to have this insight, and more importantly to start to take ownership of recognizing the feelings when you have them. It is vital to learn how to be with the feeling and how to appropriately express it. It is also necessary to find safe people in which to share your emotional experiences.

So when you recognize your feelings ask yourself -
What do you need? What feelings are ones you go to any length to avoid? What is the price you pay for hiding, masking those feelings?

3. Loss
Coupled with the trigger of feelings is the fact those feelings are often associated with loss. By the time you get to recovery you have had multiple losses in your life, often losses related to childhood, many times due to being raised with abuse, addiction, mental illness, etc. While you may have experienced trauma within your original family, pain of loss may be from a specific situation,

You may have experienced the loss of relationship with your parents or children; or the death of friends, family; or abortions, career or work opportunities missed. As an addict you are likely to have losses related to health issues. Perhaps you have Hepatitis C, or HIV, or injuries due to accidents.

It is not that you are suddenly thinking about these losses, but one more time there may be a physical trigger − you are in treatment and you see other people’s children come to visit and you have three kids and you don’t even know where they live. Your daughter tells you that your ex-husband has just moved in with someone else. The goal is not to dwell on your losses, but to not live in the pain and anguish of them which is what happens when you don’t acknowledge them and what they mean, triggering you back to your using behavior. With some loss you can only grieve, and ultimately come to find some meaning from your experience, with others in time, you can attempt to repair damaged relationships.

4. Resentments
Resentment is also a feeling but I think it warrants its own place as a significant trigger. Resentments are like burrs in a saddle blanket, if you do not get rid of them, they fester into an infection. Resentments are often built on assumptions, When you don’t look at me I assume you think you are better than me. When you don’t include me in a social gathering, I am assuming you think I am not good enough to be with you and your friends. They are also built on entitlement, which is a form of unrealistic expectations and impatience.
I have been in recovery six weeks now. I resent the fact that my wife still doesn’t trust me.
Now that I am clean and sober my boss should give me that promotion I deserve.

The attitude in both examples is not just that you should be rewarded for doing well, but that you should be rewarded for the sacrifices made, after all you have given up your alcohol, your drugs, and/or the addictive behavior and therefore deserve to be rewarded. The problem here is that you are still more connected to the loss than to the gifts of sobriety.

Unrealistic expectations + impatience = resentments.

Ways to move from resentments are – when assuming, check it out; put yourself in someone else’s shoes (it may allow expectations to be more realistic); identify and own the feelings the resentment is covering (often it’s a cover for feelings of inadequacy and/or fear); be willing to live and live.

Some questions to consider are - What does it mean for you to hang onto resentments?
What would it mean to accept that you have been hurt or wronged and that you can no longer change that? What does it mean to take responsibility for your own feelings? Ultimately who pays the price for hanging onto resentments? Today are you willing to let go of resentments?

5. Slippery people, places or situations
You need to identify specific triggers that are people, places, and situations that are high risk. Slippery people could be your ex-lover, certain family members, past using/party buddies. A slippery place might be a bar you used to frequent, a casino or an area in your community where you cruised. In essence any place that triggers a positive association about the use of your drug of choice. Slippery situations could be an emotionally charged social gathering, such as a wedding, a family event, or vacation setting.

Medication may be a trigger for which you need to be accountable. While there are situations where medication is needed, you are at high risk to abuse. You need to be proactive in how you are going to cope with this situation because it is likely your brain is going to remember a good feeling, saying more is better. There is also a tendency to look for outside fixes too readily. Just because you are agitated, doesn’t mean you need a prescription pill. Just because your knee hurts you don’t need to take your sister’s pain meds. Or if you have difficulty sleeping it doesn’t automatically mean a sleeping pill is indicated. Again, there are situations where medications are necessary, but self-diagnosis and/or self-prescribing only create a recipe for disaster.

What are the people, places or situations that are potential triggers? What creates the greatest safety for you to not get triggered? What triggers can you avoid? For example, do you really need to be at this family event? Is it worth the risk? That is what you always need to ask yourself, is it worth the risk? You don’t need to test yourself, you don’t have to prove anything; this isn’t a contest. If you can’t avoid a certain place, can you lessen the contact or time? Meaning, you go to the wedding, but you know you will leave prior to the reception.

While some decisions around triggers are absolute, others are not necessary for your entire life. Know your triggers and make a plan accordingly. In the face of a trigger, what do you need to do? What do you need to tell yourself? Who can you reach out to for support and or problem solving?

Today in recovery you have options:
1) practice staying in the present, don’t sit in the past or project into the future
2) validate the gifts of recovery for the day – practice gratitude daily
3) identify, build and use a support system – you need to stay connected. History and experience has proven time and time again, that recovery is not a solitary process, and cannot be sustained in isolation.
4) trust your Higher Power is on your side

This article is excerpted from Claudia's new audio CD Triggers and new DVD The Triggering effect.

Addiction Straight Talk

2007-10-22T08:36:00.000-07:00

Straight Talk: Discussing Addiction with Children
Claudia Black, Ph.D.

Three nine-year-old boys are standing in a long line at Disneyland, waiting to get on one of their favorite rides. In conversation, one boy asks of the other, “When is your dad getting out of the hospital?” At this point several people in the line turn in curiosity to listen. Before the boy whose father is in the hospital has a chance to answer, the other boy says, “I didn’t know your dad was in the hospital, what happened to him?” The third boy responds, “Oh, he is sick. He has a disease, it’s called al-co-hol-ism.”

What I have learned over the years is that younger children more readily accept that their addicted parent has a disease, it makes sense to them. This boy’s response was reflected spontaneously, without embarrassment, totally accepting that his father genuinely has a disease. Why else would someone act like this? Children, prior to the age of nine or ten don’t need a lot of explanation. They accept that addiction is a disease with both physical and psychological ramifications. Of course those aren’t the words used, but they understand the “being stuck” aspect of addiction, or the allergy analogy. They comprehend that this isn’t just a disease that affects someone physically like most diseases. They see the change in personality and they grasp the inability to stop something once it is started.

A Good Rule of Thumb: When talking to young children, keep explanations to three or four sentences. Let them come back to you with questions.

Many years ago I wrote a book for children affected by parental substance abuse titled My Dad Loves Me, My Dad Has a Disease. The title came from the impact of a conversation I had with Alexis, an eight-year-old girl, whose father was alcoholic and in treatment. I was having an individual session with her and I asked her if she knew why her father was in the hospital. She looked at me as if I was stupid and quickly said, “Of course, he has a disease.”

This young girl was able to accept there was no other reason for her father’s behavior. He certainly wouldn’t choose to act like he does. Something had happened to him and he needed help to get well. She had been told that drinking made him sick, that it does that to some people, that it can change his personality so that he behaves in ways that are confusing, scary, and hurtful to him and others. She readily accepted that. Still looking at me as if she wondered what assistance I could be to her since I didn’t seem to know her father had a disease, she added, “But he still loves me.” Alexis fully believed this because in her case her father had provided positive parenting in her very early years and she got the message that he loved her.

It is possible to talk to a child of any age as long as age appropriate language and relevance are considered. With young children this conversation is more likely to be more brief and much more general. Parents often tell them that they are allergic to alcohol and when they drank they did things they wish they didn’t do. So now you choose not to drink. If children are aware of the drug use, you tell them that you made some poor choices and used drugs and then couldn’t stop on your own, or without help. If they have lived with it, or saw you many times when you were under the influence it is best to acknowledge it.

As true for chemical dependency these same principles can be applied to behavioral addictions. For example:
Like a latter-stage drug addict or alcoholic, compulsive gamblers live from fix to fix, throwing life away for another roll of the dice and deluding themselves that luck will soon smile on them. Their subjective cravings can be as intense as those of drug abusers. They show tolerance through increased betting and they experience highs rivaling that of a drug. Up to a half of all pathological gamblers show withdrawal symptoms that mimic a mild form of drug withdrawal, including churning stomach, sleep disturbance, sweating, irritability and craving. And like drug addicts, they are at risk of sudden relapse even after many years of abstinence. With the exception of sex addiction, the ability to generalize these guidelines is relevant to other addictive disorders. (For more direction in discussion of sex addiction, the author suggests you go to her website www.claudiablack.com and look in the Special Interest section.)

I have worked with children as young as four and five years of age who can describe personality changes, even loss of control though they don’t use that language. Some poignant explanations of personality change and loss of control I have heard from young children have been, “Sometimes my mom is very loving toward me and really likes me, and then maybe later in the day she acts like a stranger to me.” “When my dad says he is going to the bar for one or two drinks, he just can’t do that anymore. It is sort of like eating potato chips, I eat the whole bag.” As adults we often underestimate how much children have witnessed and understood.

Other parents find that if their children did not witness the active addiction and only know their parents in recovery that it is best to be less specific about the addiction until the children are older and it has more relevance to the child’s life.

I have always been vague with my kids about just what I took, how much or how frequently I drank—but they know I drank a lot and chose to stop when we had our first son. I see them as boys who could idealize the partying way of life, and if it was good enough for their dad and he ultimately stopped, then they could rationalize it is okay for them and that they could stop.
Father of 2 sons

As children raised with addiction become older they are not so readily willing to accept the disease model as the answer for why or how you, their parent, behaved the way you did. If children have not had some formal education about addiction, they may very well think calling it a disease is a cop out. They may think you are trying to make excuses for your behavior, and blame it on something other than yourself. If you are met with that resistance, your job is not to convince them; your job is to simply share information.

When mothers are addicted, children of all ages are more apt to minimize and deny her addiction even more so than a father’s. Both a woman’s ability to hide her addiction and the stigma of being an addicted woman makes it easier for children to discount their mother’s addictive disorder.

In conversation be willing to be descriptive about the addiction. You’ll find children may listen more if you do the following things:

Tell your children the areas of your life in which you believe you were out of control, such as alcohol or drug use, spending and debting, or work.
Take ownership for your choices along the way and how you were ignorant about what you were doing.
Explain that you didn’t realize you could not stop and pretty soon you were rationalizing, denying, etc.
Give your children examples of the extent of your denial and rationalizing.Refer to how your addiction controlled your life by speaking of your preoccupation and denial.
Describe your change in tolerance and/or escalation to achieve the desired effect. Make the point that you continued your behavior in spite of adverse consequences—again demonstrating that your addiction had power over and against your good judgment and morality.
Tell them this is not what you envisioned when you started your addictive behaviors and that you had no idea how it was hurting the family, in spite of what were obvious signs.
Relate that you needed help to stop something that had become bigger than you.
Be more available to them, now that you are in recovery.

You do not need to cover every point in any one conversation. This is not necessarily the only conversation you will have; hopefully it may be a part of many conversations. What is paramount in these conversations is that children hear that they did not cause the addiction, and they can’t they control it.

You don’t have to convince your children of anything or convert them to your way of thinking, just share yourself with them.

The different choices in what and how much parents share with their children needs to be influenced by the age of the child, how much of the active addiction the child witnessed, and the parents’ relationship with the child

You will need to find your style and entrances into conversations of what is most meaningful with your children. While it is important to talk about addiction, be careful to avoid being too wordy, detailed, or intellectual in talking to children of any age. They don’t need, nor will they listen to a lecture, yet the information is invaluable if presented in a realistic and sincere manner.

While you can’t make up for the past in a few conversations, and you can’t completely protect your children from the enormous reach of addiction, you can move closer to becoming the parent your children need you to be and the parent you want to be.

Straight Talk is available at www.claudiablack.com

It Will Never Happen To Me

2007-10-22T08:09:00.000-07:00

It Will Never Happen To Me: An Introduction:

This is an except from Dr. Claudia Black’s best selling book, “It Will Never Happen To Me.” The book is available at http://www.claudiablack.com/

While hundreds of thousands of people are in recovery from chemical dependency, co-dependency, and adult child issues, our communities continue to be impacted by addiction. Heroin, cocaine, crystal methamphetamine, and marijuana use is rampant throughout our communities. But historically the number one abused drug is alcohol.

The National Association of Children of Alcoholics has reported 76 million Americans, about 43% of the U.S. adult population, have been exposed to alcoholism in the family. Almost one in five adult Americans (18%) lived with an alcoholic while growing up. There are an estimated 26.8 million children of alcoholics in the United States. Preliminary research suggests that over 11 million of these children are under the age of 18. Compared to children of non-alcoholics: They are more at risk for alcoholism and other drug abuse. They are more likely to marry into families in which alcoholism is prevalent. Thirteen to 25% of children of alcoholics are likely to become alcoholics. We also recognize clinically, that as adults, they experience a subset of behaviors related to shame based beliefs that create depression, victimization, rage, and a lack of meaning in their lives. While children from difficult environments often show much resiliency, for many, it is at a very high price.

When the term alcoholic, or addict, or chemically dependent is used, it often is referring to people who have neither the ability to consistently control their drinking or using, nor can predict their behavior once they start to drink or use, and /or whose drinking/using causes problems in major areas of their lives and yet continue to drink and/or use. This is a person who, in his or her drinking/using, has developed a psychological dependency on a substance coupled with a physiological addiction. It is someone who has experienced a change in tolerance to alcohol/drugs and needs to drink/use more to acquire the desired effect. They have a need to drink or use which progressively becomes a greater and greater preoccupation in their lives. At one time in their lives, they had the ability to choose to drink or use. In time, it became not a matter of choice, but a compulsion.

Many people are confused about chemical dependency because there is no one specific pattern of behavior. Addicts differ in their styles of drinking/using and the consequences of the addiction vary widely. Some drink daily; others in episodic patterns; some stay dry for long intervals between binges; some drink enormous quantities of alcohol, use other drugs, others do not. Some drink only beer; some drink only wine; while for others their choice is hard liquor. Still others will drink a wide variety of alcoholic beverages.

Although addiction appears very early in the lives of some people, for others it takes years to develop. Some claim to have started drinking addictively from their first drink; many others report they drank for years before crossing over the “invisible line” which separates social drinking from addictive drinking. While the focus of It Will Never Happen To Me will remain on families where alcohol is the primary drug that is abused, it is my hope the reader will see the similarities in other substance abusing families.

The commonalities will be in living with extremes, living with the unknown, or the fears. It is the living in a system where the addiction has become central to the family and the needs of the individual family members become secondary to the needs of the addict and his or her addiction.

Commonalities To Other Addictive Disorders
Since the original writing of It Will Never Happen To Me in the early 1980s, we have not only been more adept at recognizing multi drug abuse, we are recognizing what is referred to as process addictions and the fact that both substance and process addictions often co-exist and are interrelated. Such addictions would include gambling, spending, eating disorders, sex, love and relationship addictions.

The commonalities across addictive disorders are:

A pattern of out-of-control behavior, meaning that one is not able to predict their use once they engage in the substance or behavior, nor willingly stop their use
Negative consequences due to the behavior
Inability to stop, despite the consequences
An increase in tolerance and amounts of indulgence — the need to use or engage more to get the desired effect
Preoccupation — the anticipation of, involvement in, or reflection about their addictive behavior is the focus of their thoughts and feelings
Denial — minimization, rationalization, denial of their behavior as a problem permeates their thinking to the point of delusional thinking

To apply this to other behaviors, know that addictive obsession can exist in whatever generates significant mood alteration, whether it is the self-nurturing of food, the excitement of gambling, or the intoxication of alcohol or other drugs.

Irrespective of the substance or object of the addiction, the co-addiction behavior follows very common routes as well.

Typically, we see the co-dependent experience:

Loss of sense of self, how they feel, and what they need
Being obsessed with another person that facilitates not dealing with own life
Reacting to someone else’s behavior instead of from personal motives
Being all-consumed with another and putting own priorities on hold
Taking responsibility for other people, tasks, and situations
Engaging in denial system

The dynamics of the addictive system, be the addiction alcohol, prescription pills, cocaine, heroin, gambling or sex, etc. are so similar that the impact on children is also very similar. For children in the family, the combination of addiction and co-addiction results in neither parent being responsive and available on a consistent, predictable basis. Children are affected not only by the addicted parent, but also by the non-addicted parent (if there is one) and by the unhealthy family dynamics created as a consequence to living in an addictive system.

Commonalities To Other Families
One of the gifts of what we have come to learn about people raised in chemically dependent families is that it has offered extremely useful information for people raised in other types of troubled families as well. Whether or not you were raised in an addictive family system, It Will Never Happen To Me may very well offer a framework to understand your situation. We have long recognized that people raised with physical and sexual abuse strongly identify as if they were raised with addiction. Many times they were raised with both. People who were raised with mental illness, ranging from schizophrenia to depression, to raging parents frequently identify with adult child issues. People raised with parents impacted by chronic health issues, or physical challenges may identify.

Another reason for identification is to be raised by those who were raised with addiction (to be raised by adult children), who may not manifest an active addiction, but the thinking and behavior is often characteristic of addiction. The connecting thread between these different types of families is experiencing chronic loss that fuels emotional isolation, rigidity, or shame. Whatever the circumstances, when you come from a history of loss it is like being a first cousin to the person raised with addiction. Therefore if this information can benefit others raised in troubled families, this is an added gift.

The terminology was different than it is today. Today we seldom refer to someone as alcoholic, and recognize people are often addicted to more than one substance. And we use the phrases like “chemically dependent” or “addict” to recognize that irrespective of one’s predominant substance addiction that they need to refrain from the use of alcohol and other drugs. This has occurred for two reasons, the first being it was recognized that many alcoholics were actively addicted to at least one other substance; and secondly, that even if they did not show signs of a second addiction, they needed to refrain from the use of other substances because those other substances would often lead them to relapse to their primary or secondary addiction.

In the 1970’s, spouses and partners of the alcoholic were referred to as co-alcoholics. Today they are more commonly thought of as co-dependents, or co-addicts. Originally the prefix “co” was used to describe a marriage partner who had become increasingly preoccupied with the behavior of the addict and functioned in the role of a primary enabler. It now encompasses the dynamics of giving up a sense of self, or experiencing a diminished sense of self in reaction to an addictive system.

The only acknowledgement of the impact of children was in the professional journals citing the research about Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) and the genetic predisposition to alcoholism. The emotional or social impact was not discussed, and the phrase “adult children” or “co-dependency” non-existent.